Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to Parenting Real Talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco. I'm joined by my longtime mentor and co host, Belann Gioretto to answer your parenting questions from the early years all
[00:00:18] Speaker B: the way through adolescence.
[00:00:20] Speaker A: We're both seasoned and humble parents and early childhood educators with over 50 years of, of combined experience teaching, directing and coaching parents. We started this podcast to help you raise more resilient and confident kids and teens by giving you the parenting tools you need to increase your effectiveness and your joy in parenting. So let's get real and let's get to it.
[00:00:53] Speaker C: Foreign.
[00:00:59] Speaker B: Well, welcome back, everybody. It's so nice to be here with you, Valen.
[00:01:03] Speaker C: You too. Nice to see you.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: We are actually talking today about a topic that we've gotten several questions from and it's really a topic that is so, so important.
[00:01:17] Speaker C: And one of every day it's important.
[00:01:19] Speaker B: Every day it's important and every day it's.
[00:01:22] Speaker C: You have a new opportunity.
[00:01:24] Speaker D: That's right.
[00:01:25] Speaker C: To refine your skills and your.
[00:01:27] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:01:28] Speaker C: In the way that you want to in your family. Express anger.
[00:01:32] Speaker B: Yes, yes. Express and model like you said, modeling anger and expressing it and handling anger.
[00:01:39] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:01:40] Speaker B: And it's not to say that we are going to be parents who don't get angry.
[00:01:44] Speaker C: It's impossible.
[00:01:45] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:01:46] Speaker C: A parent that doesn't have anger and is shocking for many of us who didn't ever expect to be angry or who thought that won't happen to me. And it really. Because it's something that can certainly happen daily and can be very disturbing to parents how they manage their feelings. And of course, child's watching them is really trying to figure out a plan for your family of what's acceptable, what's not, what works, what doesn't work.
Each situation is different.
[00:02:16] Speaker D: Right.
[00:02:16] Speaker C: But it's good work and it will last a lifetime.
[00:02:20] Speaker D: Yeah.
Yeah.
[00:02:21] Speaker B: And I think that knowing that there are, there are, there are skills.
[00:02:26] Speaker D: Right.
[00:02:26] Speaker B: That we can develop to, to skillfully approach our anger or navigate our anger, but we're not trying to eliminate it. That, that, that isn't the expectation that we have on ourselves.
[00:02:39] Speaker C: It's impossible.
[00:02:40] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:02:41] Speaker C: Personally.
[00:02:41] Speaker D: Yeah. Well.
[00:02:42] Speaker B: And if you're listening and you have a two year old, like you may have gotten this far without really getting angry.
And so, you know, keep listening because I think it will be really important for you to develop these skills even before you've been triggered for the first time.
[00:02:57] Speaker D: Right.
[00:02:58] Speaker C: And kids are remarkably skilled at triggering anger, even the most easygoing child because again, that's their job, is to experiment, to experience life and see what, what happens.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so it'll happen to all of us. The more skills that we have to navigate it, the better off we'll be in kind of modeling what to do.
[00:03:24] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:03:26] Speaker B: So true. Well, let's start with our questions. We have a couple questions on the child getting angry or we have a couple questions on the child getting angry and some parents wanting to know how to respond and to help them to respond in more helpful ways. And then some questions that kind of touch on this parental anger. And how do I, how do I do that more skillfully?
[00:03:49] Speaker C: Yeah. You're not going to be great at
[00:03:51] Speaker E: helping your child unless you've worked on yourself. So that's the first thing is to work on yourself and to see anger as a secondary emotion.
[00:03:59] Speaker C: It's trying to tell you something. It's like a warning light in a
[00:04:02] Speaker E: car that the brakes are going out.
[00:04:04] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:04:04] Speaker E: And so it's really important to, to
[00:04:07] Speaker C: be able to read those signals so
[00:04:10] Speaker E: that you catch it before it really blows.
[00:04:14] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:04:15] Speaker E: And that can be very, very guilt producing for parents, obviously.
[00:04:19] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:04:20] Speaker E: And so trying to figure it out. And again, you're modeling that your children.
[00:04:25] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:04:25] Speaker B: And I think as your children get older, you realize that more and more. In fact, this parent writes in and she says, my daughter will yell at us when she's mad and will also yell at her friends at times. I can admit sometimes it sounds familiar. How do I help us both learn other ways to communicate? And yeah, I think as your kids get older and you start to see some of those behaviors and you're like,
[00:04:47] Speaker C: oh, I recognize that there's a cycle
[00:04:51] Speaker E: that a lot of parents go through that is insidious and anger, guilt, depression,
[00:04:55] Speaker C: anger, guilt, then you feel really guilty. Then you get depressed and you get in.
[00:04:59] Speaker E: It's a cycle that you.
[00:05:00] Speaker C: That's very hard to get out of and nobody wants to be there. So it behooves you to really come up with a plan so that you
[00:05:07] Speaker E: can avoid the worst of that.
[00:05:09] Speaker C: Yes. Or you say, oh, I swore I would ne. My mother did that. I swear I never do that. I swear that.
[00:05:14] Speaker A: Never say that.
[00:05:15] Speaker C: So you can approach this as a problem to solve and you can have a discussion with your family. Gee, yesterday I got really angry. I. When I get angry, I want to express it, but I want to do it in a way that isn't harmful to anyone.
[00:05:28] Speaker B: I like that.
[00:05:29] Speaker C: Or to my. But having that Discussion with your children. What else could I have done? Let's think about it, you know? Oh, I could have done some deep breathing.
I could have drawn an angry picture. I could have beaten the pans with my wooden spoons.
[00:05:45] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:05:47] Speaker C: You know, I used to say to my kids, when I would feel the anger thermometer, like in a cartoon, reaching, I would say, I'm. I can feel like a volcano's gonna blow here. I'm really, really angry. I'm gonna go in the bathroom and do a timeout for myself till I feel like I can handle this, but I'm really angry. And just naming it for kids is very, very helpful. Kids should not be guessing how you're feeling. It's not good for them.
[00:06:19] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:06:19] Speaker C: Far better to say, I'm really angry. I'm going to blow. So I'm going to take care of myself by going in the bathroom than putting on one of those, you know, kind of sickly smiles. I'm fine when you're furious.
[00:06:32] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:06:33] Speaker C: That can really mess a kid up.
[00:06:34] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:06:35] Speaker B: And I have to say, I think when you say it out loud, that's a great strategy right there.
[00:06:40] Speaker C: Yes, I can.
[00:06:43] Speaker B: I'm so angry, I feel like I'm gonna blow. I feel like that volcano is about to come. I'm gonna take a break. One thing that I found really helpful to say out loud was this behavior is not okay. And I am so mad, I can't even solve this problem with you.
We're gonna talk about it later. And sometimes that was because we were, you know, in the car and we were on the way to something, and I knew we didn't have time to talk about it in that moment. Or sometimes it was. I really was just too mad, and so I needed to take some time. But I did find that to be one of the most helpful things that I ever came across was just saying out loud, this behavior is not okay, and I'm so mad, I cannot even solve this problem with you.
[00:07:27] Speaker C: Excellent.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: And I think it gets at that similar thing with the volcano. It's like once you name it for yourself, you're naming it for your kids, you're naming it for yourself, and it allows you sort of that space that we need to. You know, nobody can really do a great job if we're really angry at solving the problem. Like, we're gonna say and do all the things that we said we wouldn't do and said we wouldn't say.
[00:07:50] Speaker D: Right.
[00:07:51] Speaker C: Decades ago, there was this whole theory about anger that if you didn't blow it out. That you would, you know, get an ulcer or something, you know, that you had to just, you know, now there's books like the Dance of Anger and other books that are. Are like, you know, anger is really important. It's a secondary emotion you don't have. You can wait.
Waiting sometimes is the smartest thing that you can do while you take care of yourself. But this idea that you have to immediately express it is not always the case. Sometimes it may be, but not always the case.
[00:08:24] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:08:25] Speaker B: And I love, like, giving yourself permission.
[00:08:27] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:28] Speaker B: But I did find there was something about saying first, like, this behavior is not okay.
[00:08:32] Speaker D: Excellent.
[00:08:32] Speaker B: Because I think for me, a lot of the times. And I remember my. My father doing this. Like, I'm your father. You respect. You know, I think a lot of the times there's this vindication where you feel totally justified in being this mad. Like, this behavior has crossed the line. They've done something that they shouldn't be, you know, saying to you or doing to you. And so you feel this vindication. And that. That always got me. The vindicated anger.
[00:08:57] Speaker E: The examples that we had in our
[00:08:59] Speaker C: family, either in a very angry family
[00:09:01] Speaker E: where everybody was yelling and.
[00:09:03] Speaker C: Or in families were getting angry, especially for girls and women, was absolutely not okay.
[00:09:09] Speaker E: In fact, it was punishable and bad. You know, very different messages.
And that's why it's important as a family to talk about being angry when you're not angry and come up with some kind of a plan.
[00:09:21] Speaker C: Maybe even write it down so you
[00:09:23] Speaker E: can point to it when, you know, offering kids physical things to express, like doing art. I have this amazing picture of this
[00:09:32] Speaker C: little girl who was so angry at
[00:09:35] Speaker E: me, and I just handed her paper and pencil, and the drawing was just incredible. Just, you know, really angry. And she got it. I could feel her body just relaxing as she got all that anger out.
So many ways to do it.
[00:09:50] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:09:50] Speaker C: Having a list for you and your kids how to do it, what helps
[00:09:56] Speaker E: breathing is really important. Can really help. And so few of us were raised like this. You know, it was. Anger's bad.
[00:10:03] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:10:04] Speaker E: Everybody blows it, and there's nothing you can do about it. Well, there are things you can do about it.
[00:10:08] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:10:09] Speaker E: And ignoring it is not one of them.
[00:10:12] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:10:12] Speaker B: No, I love that idea of what you said earlier, which is, you know, let's come up with some other things we can do when we're angry and it's not. Let's try to find ways where we won't get angry.
[00:10:24] Speaker A: Right.
[00:10:24] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:10:25] Speaker C: It's like, yeah, you're gonna get angry.
[00:10:26] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:10:28] Speaker B: But, yeah, that kind of touches on this next question, which is I grew up in a family with a lot of yelling. My parents yelled at each and at us. They loved us, but they yelled at us. And I know it had an impact on me, and I don't want the same for my kids. I've tried hard not to yell, but sometimes it comes out, and then I feel horrible. Of course, what are the best alternatives? And then what is the best way to repair? So, yeah, I think we talked about that a little bit. And you talked about that cycle, right, of yelling, then feeling guilty, and then feeling this despair or depression. But, yeah, we've talked about some alternatives.
Maybe we could talk a little bit about any other alternatives that you found for the parent.
[00:11:10] Speaker C: Again, remember, you're being watched, you know, so you do want to model a way that is helping those around you see that there is a way to get angry that isn't destructive.
[00:11:22] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:11:22] Speaker C: And if you've never seen that, you're going to have to work even harder and you'll be motivated because you know how damaging that was to you as a kid.
[00:11:30] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:11:32] Speaker B: So I think I was gonna say another thing, and this kind of connects with repair, but another thing that I would do is kind of come up with a word that I would say, Sort of like how you would say, I feel like a volcano. I would say a word to my kids that we would agree upon it ahead of time. Nice. So I would say, like, chocolate broccoli. If mom says chocolate broccoli, this means I'm starting to lose it. And it was like a little reminder for them. And not that it's like. Like, my feelings are not their responsibility, but I think it was, you know, recognizing that there were things I could say to. Instead of yelling.
[00:12:10] Speaker E: Right.
[00:12:11] Speaker B: Things that I could say to indicate to them that how serious this was or how I was feeling in that moment. And so sometimes we would come up with these code words, and. And that could happen. Like, in a repair conversation, we could say, you know, I'm. I know I got really angry, and I don't want to yell when I'm angry. And so next time. And I love what said about, you know, having the children kind of come up with some alternatives of, like, what are some other things that mommy could have done in that situation? And again, not putting the responsibility on them. But I think you're. You're helping them to see that there are alternative ways to express anger and getting them involved in those conversations.
[00:12:53] Speaker C: I think having a discussion about it, as I said, when you're not angry and the ideas that you had would be very, very instructive for kids and I think reassuring.
[00:13:03] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:13:04] Speaker B: That, like, there are things. And the other thing I will say, like, if you did grow up in a family with a lot of yelling and you're trying to do something different, you know, really considering getting some therapy if at all possible, because I think some of these patterns are so ingrained. And I think, you know, being able to talk to somebody and really figure out, you know, your own strategies, learning your own skills independently could also be really big. You know, you, you do everything and you try your best, but I think the, the amount that they pick up on is, is just amazing when you start to see that as they get older, all of those patterns. So, so, yeah, getting yourself support and whether that is with therapists or whether that is, you know, taking breaks. Right. Can we talk about taking breaks and self care a little bit?
[00:13:53] Speaker C: Absolutely.
Hand in hand.
[00:13:55] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:13:56] Speaker B: I think that's so huge to just, you know, make sure that you're scheduling time away from your kids, that you're having activities or you're meeting a friend or you're doing things outside of parenthood because, you know, burnout is real and if you find yourself, you're losing it more and more, it may be a sign that you are needing some more breaks, you're needing some. Some other energy in your life.
[00:14:21] Speaker C: Yeah. Some.
[00:14:21] Speaker E: And some more support.
[00:14:23] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:14:23] Speaker B: Let's answer this question about a child's anger, and then we can talk about some other strategies we have specifically for, for children's anger. So this parent writes in. My son gets really angry, and it seems like he needs to do something with that anger. He will throw things, hit, bite, et cetera. He is four and the youngest of three.
[00:14:44] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:14:44] Speaker C: At four, you're, you're right to expect
[00:14:46] Speaker E: some more self control than that.
[00:14:48] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:14:49] Speaker E: Three.
[00:14:50] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:14:51] Speaker C: Maybe not, but four. Yeah.
[00:14:52] Speaker D: So.
[00:14:53] Speaker E: So you need to raise the bar
[00:14:54] Speaker C: a little bit, even though he's the youngest, to, you know, increase your expectations a little bit and to again, maybe
[00:15:02] Speaker E: have a really good discussion about what he can do.
[00:15:05] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:15:06] Speaker E: And what's not okay in, in, in your family.
[00:15:08] Speaker C: Mm. Mm.
[00:15:10] Speaker B: I. Yeah, I can, I can definitely relate to the youngest being more angry or more expressive with their anger. And I think a lot of times that youngest child feels so powerless with these older siblings that are so powerful and that, you know, and so when they get mad, they have to get really mad in order to feel sort of as powerful or to feel any. Any power in that dynamic. But yeah, those strategies of like raising the bar and saying to the child, like, it is totally okay that you're angry, but here are the things that you can do when you're angry, and here are the things that are not. Not okay. And I think you had shared, like the angry box story.
[00:15:50] Speaker C: Yeah. There was a story, true story, of
[00:15:53] Speaker E: a grandmother who took her grandson to, you know, a hardware store, an old fashioned hardware store. And he said, oh, what are we doing, grandma? And she said, we're gonna make you an angry box.
And so they talked about some of the things that he might want, like something to bang, something to stretch, something to punch. And they put together this box and they brought it home. And he was asked, where would you like this to be? I think he picked his bedroom. And she said to him, when you get angry, it's okay, but this is.
[00:16:25] Speaker B: These are.
[00:16:25] Speaker E: These are place where you can be angry and it's going to be safe for you.
[00:16:29] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:16:30] Speaker E: And I've shared that with a number of parents who said that it really resonated with their children. I mean, again, imagine in your family if your parents had said that to you.
It's pretty radical. And it's great.
[00:16:43] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:16:44] Speaker B: Because it is. It's acknowledging that the anger is real and that it needs some kind of outlet.
And.
[00:16:51] Speaker E: And it's not bad when you're angry.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: Right.
[00:16:54] Speaker E: Unless you bite or hit, you know.
[00:16:57] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:16:57] Speaker B: And it has. It has a place. Right. And it has a place that's acceptable to express it. I remember you used to have kids kick boxes.
[00:17:06] Speaker C: Yes, I did that with my own son.
[00:17:08] Speaker D: Okay.
[00:17:08] Speaker C: Ripping a box is a very, very incredible way of getting anger out. Especially there's anger and then there's rage and rage. You'll know the difference. It's. The child is kind of out of control and being able to kick them and rip them. Hitting your bed, hitting. Some parents buy those blow up.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. We had one of those for a while.
[00:17:33] Speaker C: The punching bags.
[00:17:34] Speaker B: The punching bags that.
[00:17:35] Speaker C: Like a clown or something. Yeah, those are.
This is how you teach kids what's acceptable. You may never hit me, but you can go hit Bozo or whatever. Whatever his name was. Yeah. I think we can't underestimate having things that are really physical, physical and releasing than just, you know, don't be angry. That's not nice.
[00:18:04] Speaker B: Right, right. Or I think. And we can talk about an alternative way, but sometimes I do feel like parents maybe are resistant to strategies that allow for that release. Like punch a pillow.
[00:18:17] Speaker D: Right.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: And want to focus on teaching kids, like, calming strategies.
[00:18:21] Speaker C: Right.
[00:18:22] Speaker B: But I don't know. I mean, what do you think about that?
[00:18:24] Speaker C: I think each. Each day is different, each case is different, and that you know your child best and you're going to know when. You know when breathing is appropriate or when. When smashing a.
A bozo is important.
[00:18:37] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Some kids just need that physical release and. Or some moment. And I think you still teach. You know, even for that child, you would still teach them some other maybe calming strategies or it's not either or.
[00:18:50] Speaker C: Yeah, it's all of the above that you can combine depending on the situation.
[00:18:55] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:18:56] Speaker C: Yeah, it can be really.
[00:18:58] Speaker B: I mean, you could even have like an anger. An anger box and a calming box.
[00:19:02] Speaker C: Oh, nice.
[00:19:03] Speaker B: You know, and the child could choose which one would help them feel better in that moment.
[00:19:08] Speaker C: Very nice.
[00:19:09] Speaker D: Right? Yeah.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: We definitely had like a calm down cave, especially for my oldest. And I mean, he really connected with it. And, you know, we would talk about the colors and so, like, red is like, I'm feeling angry. Yellow, I may be feeling frustrated or silly. Green, I'm feeling calm. And blue, I'm feeling sad. And we would talk about when we could see him getting revved up. We would say, joey, what color do you feel? How is your engine? Is your engine in the red? Is it in the yellow? What would help you? And if we could say it kind of before he got to that, like, anger place, when we would say, would your calm down cave help? He almost always would say, yes.
[00:19:47] Speaker C: Oh, that's wonderful.
[00:19:48] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:19:48] Speaker B: Which I recognize not all kids are gonna say yes in that moment, but. But it's certainly another tool, another set of tools to have.
[00:19:56] Speaker C: And I loved the idea of having both.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: I love the idea too. And that the child could kind of in that moment feel, do I really need to get this out or am I ready to just take a break and take a breath? And some of the things that we've had in our calm down cave and similar to some of the things that we had at school.
[00:20:14] Speaker D: Right.
[00:20:15] Speaker B: Where you kind of think sensory, so you have maybe something visual that they can track. Love the goo timer. So it was this timer, you know, kind of like a sand timer, but it was made of goo. And so it just really slowly, slowly went down.
[00:20:29] Speaker C: That's really nice.
[00:20:30] Speaker B: And you know, something that you can feel. So like. Yeah, some putty. Something squishy toys. He got quite a collection of squishy toys by the end. It was also like the One thing that he knew we always had a rule. I don't buy toys on demand. You know, it's like, we'll put it on your birthday list. We'll put it on your holiday list. Yeah, but if he was like, oh, but this would be really good for my Calm down tape.
That was my soft spot. You know, if it really seemed like it would.
[00:20:57] Speaker D: So he.
[00:20:58] Speaker B: Yeah, so squishy toys, visual things.
You know, they. Audio. So like a little music box. Or you could put. Now you could put the.
The audio players, the Yoda, and you could have that in there. And so sometimes that could be a way to calm down is just to listen to music. You know, the Fisher Price record players would be a great.
I think they have those.
[00:21:21] Speaker C: Again, again, these are lifetime gifts that you're giving your child of how to handle these strong emotions that most of us were not given those instructions. And just to be able to have a parent that could discuss it and bring it up and think about planning ahead is really powerful and really securitizing, I think.
[00:21:45] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:21:46] Speaker A: And you're right.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: I think a lot of us grew up with a message of, like, you know, this is what you do when you're angry. You scream at the top of your lungs. Or this is what you do when you're angry. You bury it. Yeah, yeah.
[00:21:59] Speaker C: You don't get angry.
[00:22:00] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:22:00] Speaker C: Again, especially for girls and women, because the gender.
[00:22:04] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:22:04] Speaker C: No, anger.
[00:22:05] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: And I mean, like you said, anger is an important emotion. It's actually telling us something.
[00:22:12] Speaker C: Yes. It's a secondary emotion, which means that underneath it is a primary. Is that. Then that's your job, is to try to figure, you know, figure that out. Because it's very helpful to know instead of just being like a tidal wave.
[00:22:25] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:22:26] Speaker C: There's a nice book called When Sophie Gets Angry that just shows a little temperature tantrum for this little girl. Very simple.
[00:22:34] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:22:35] Speaker C: Kids love it.
[00:22:35] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: And it shows, like, the wave of emotion. Right, right, right. And you can make one for your child. I actually have one. I don't know if you remember that one went. Joe Wiggins.
[00:22:47] Speaker C: That was great.
Make the book yourself.
[00:22:50] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:22:50] Speaker B: And you can talk about different. Oh, triggers. That's the other thing I think is important. So trying to figure out, like you said, it's a. There's something below that that is sort of triggering that behavior. So if you can help your. Your child figure out what their triggers are like, is it usually when their sibling grabs their toy?
[00:23:09] Speaker C: Right.
[00:23:09] Speaker B: Is it when mommy says no to something? Right. Like, what are their triggers? I found that a really helpful angle because once you kind of raise consciousness around, like, oh, yeah, that's when I get angry. It's when Maggie does this, or it's when, you know, dad says, no, I can't have this. Then it almost like planted this little seed that the next time that happened. Oh, yeah, there were those other ways I could respond.
[00:23:34] Speaker D: Right.
[00:23:35] Speaker B: Which I think is really important as a parent, too. Identifying your triggers as a parent.
[00:23:39] Speaker E: Absolutely. Very important.
[00:23:42] Speaker B: And, you know, often you'll notice that, like, your anger is patterned. Right. Like, it's usually it is happening. Maybe it's happening around bedtime every day, or it's happening, you know, when your child screams no to you when you ask them to do something, there's usually a pattern to it. And so if you can try to figure out, okay, well, what are my triggers again, that can help you then identify alternatives. Like the next time my child screams no, I'm going to say, you know, I hear that you're saying no, and this is the plan, and I love you so much that we're still going to do this, but I hear that you're really mad and you don't want to do it or whatever. Right.
[00:24:22] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:24:22] Speaker C: And I think having that discussion, I was always amazed when I would remember to say to a child, wow, that's a very big emotion. Are you angry? And either they would be like this, yes, or they would be like, no.
[00:24:35] Speaker E: And I said, oh, are you really sad?
[00:24:37] Speaker C: Yes. So, you know, helping kids decode what they're feeling can be helpful, too.
[00:24:42] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. And especially for younger children, that can sometimes be so de. Escalating just to check in and, you know, ask them.
[00:24:51] Speaker D: Right.
[00:24:52] Speaker B: Identify it. Help them identify that feeling. Right, right.
Okay. Any other thoughts that you.
[00:24:59] Speaker E: I, I think the more we talk about this, it. It's that it's a really essential that parents get a handle on this for themselves again, because we're the model, and
[00:25:08] Speaker C: we're not going to be effective helping
[00:25:10] Speaker E: our children if we're not helping ourselves.
[00:25:13] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:25:14] Speaker C: But helping kids to be able to
[00:25:16] Speaker E: understand more about their feelings, to be able to handle feelings in a way that is, you know, so powerful for them, you know.
[00:25:24] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:25:25] Speaker E: For a child to say, wow, I'm so angry, I'm going to go bang on my pan or something. Wow, that's a lot of self control.
[00:25:32] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly.
[00:25:34] Speaker C: Tremendous self control, which, of course helps build self esteem.
[00:25:38] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:25:39] Speaker B: And that, that reminds me, like, another thing that really helped was to teach my children to even Say, I'm so mad, I feel like hitting.
[00:25:46] Speaker C: Yes, yes. Huge difference.
[00:25:49] Speaker B: Yeah, huge. Even though it sounds kind of funny, like if a stranger hears your child say, I feel so mad, I'm so mad I feel like hitting, you know. But it's one step closer to having that self control.
[00:26:01] Speaker C: And it is self control.
[00:26:03] Speaker B: It is self control. I found that really powerful giving them that language because, you know, it's okay to feel like hitting. It's just that we're not going to act on that feeling. And somehow that was really powerful way to contain that action that came next was just being allowed to even say that.
[00:26:20] Speaker D: Right. Yeah.
[00:26:21] Speaker C: And what they found is if you are stuffing your anger, it's not so much that you're going to get an ulcer, but your anger will last for days and days and days. Whereas if you find a way to express it that is constructive, you can get over it pretty quickly.
[00:26:40] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:26:41] Speaker C: And you don't feel it at the moment, you won't feel that way, but the reality is that you will. And that is a lot nicer place to be.
[00:26:49] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, that's a really good point. And that harboring and then it ends up being like instead of just one explosion, it's like five explosions over the course. So. Yeah. Really making sure that you were able to express it and you were able to say it.
[00:27:03] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:27:03] Speaker B: Another thing I might add is just keeping in mind when your children go through different stages, they may trigger you in new ways.
[00:27:10] Speaker C: They will.
[00:27:11] Speaker D: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:27:13] Speaker B: I'm a teenager right now who's doing that. And also, you know, I remember when Maggie was like early preteen, all of a sudden Maggie was triggering me in this way that normally I wasn't really triggered by Maggie. She's a little bit more easygoing of my children. But all of a sudden, and I've heard, I was just talking to a friend recently who was saying the same thing about her nine year old daughter who was. She's like, I'm yelling at her, I don't know why.
[00:27:39] Speaker E: Wow.
[00:27:40] Speaker B: And so sometimes there's like something that happens, like a shift in that dynamic. But one of the most helpful things I found for that stage was to wake up every morning, I would look in the mirror and I would say, I am the rock and she is the storm. I am the rock. She, he is the storm. Reminding myself that when they are going through their hormonal stages, which can be a three year old. Right. Can go through these big shifts, but even like a 9, 10, 11 and then, you know, a 16 year old reminding yourself that you're, you're the rock, they're the storm. And that seemed to help, like. And I think, you know, you've talked about that resolve to, to get a handle on it, right?
[00:28:21] Speaker C: Yeah, I think, you know, that little pre morning talk that you have to give yourself before you get up, if you have a really challenging child is expect it, be prepared for it, know what you're going to do. Don't feel like the rug's being pulled out from under you.
Don't be surprised. It's gonna happen and you can handle it.
[00:28:41] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:28:42] Speaker B: And I think we talked on our previous episode, Making a Mountain out of a Molehill and I think that's also connected because often what happens is we don't say anything, we don't say anything, we don't say anything and we blow up.
[00:28:54] Speaker E: Then you blow. Right.
[00:28:56] Speaker B: So be sure to go back and listen to that episode as well, where we talk about solving the problem and setting the limit while the limit is still small, manageable, and not waiting for behavior to escalate out of control.
[00:29:11] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:29:12] Speaker C: I mean, ultimately parents want their child to be happy. They want to be happy. And any kind of big emotion is seen as negative. Another way to look at it is, oh, here's another opportunity for me to help my child deal with the world with these big emotions and see it as something positive instead of negative. Can really help get you through that. As like, oh, this is really important work.
[00:29:37] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:29:38] Speaker C: Aren't I lucky?
[00:29:39] Speaker B: Totally.
[00:29:40] Speaker C: I have another angry child.
[00:29:42] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:29:43] Speaker B: But you're right, like though, I think those are the moments, I mean, and the same when we get angry, those are the moments where they're learning the most, right?
[00:29:50] Speaker C: Oh, yes.
[00:29:51] Speaker B: When we're angry, how are we handling that? How are we navigating that? How are we maybe going to have a more skillful approach to this anger?
[00:30:00] Speaker C: Right.
And again, it's not stuffing it, it's dealing with it when you can't, you know?
[00:30:05] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:30:06] Speaker B: And there are gonna be those times where we just explode and we just blow up. And so, yeah, coming back and just saying, I'm sorry, I was really angry and I don't wanna do that when I'm angry. And here are some ideas I have for some things I could do differently. And having that conversation together, I think that would be really helpful.
[00:30:25] Speaker C: I think that just. It's simple, but it's so powerful and it's so different than most of us, the way most of us were raised.
[00:30:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I know.
[00:30:34] Speaker C: Children will really respond to that.
[00:30:36] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:30:37] Speaker B: I mean, they're.
[00:30:37] Speaker A: They are.
[00:30:38] Speaker B: They're so forgiving, which is a great thing. But don't let that trick you into thinking that it's not impacting them.
[00:30:44] Speaker C: That's right. Right, Absolutely. And that you're missing an opportunity to really build that ability to handle strong emotions.
[00:30:52] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: And to build those skills. So, yeah. Very important to take it seriously and to get the support and the tools and to, you know, think through. Okay, this is going to happen again. What's my plan?
[00:31:05] Speaker D: Right. I did.
[00:31:06] Speaker B: I don't want to do what I did last time.
But that's the amazing thing about parenting is like, you're going to have lots of other opportunities. Yes, yes. So they'll present themselves, but just be prepared. Right. With an alternative way to handle that.
[00:31:19] Speaker E: Absolutely.
[00:31:21] Speaker C: You will have that opportunity. Yes.
[00:31:23] Speaker B: Guarantee that.
All right, well, thank you so much.
[00:31:26] Speaker C: Thank you. That was a great discussion.
[00:31:29] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:31:30] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to Parenting Real Talk from toddlers to teens, where your personal parenting journey matters. And your questions are always welcome. If you've enjoyed today's podcast, we'd love it. If you'd like, subscribe, leave a rating and review and share this podcast with a friend.
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