Episode 3: You Can't Come to my Birthday Party!

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to Parenting Matters. Real Talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco, and I'm joined by my longtime mentor and co host, Belan Gioreto. Together, we're here to answer your parenting questions from the early years through adolescence. As seasoned and humble parents and early childhood educators, we bring over 50 years of combined experience in teaching, directing and coaching parents. We started this podcast to help you raise resilient, confident kids and teens and to give you practical tools that can increase your confidence, effectiveness, and your joy in parenting. This is Real Talk where we share multiple strategies because every child is unique and we always explore what to try when just nothing else seems to be working. So let's get real and let's get to it. Okay, this is Rebecca Walsh Bell ageretto here and we are back with another episode coming to you around a recent request we got from some parents around exclusionary play. And what happens when your child may be doing the rejecting of other children or when your child is on the receiving end and is getting the you can't play with me and I don't want you to come to my birthday party kind of stuff so hard. Yeah. And I think Belen and I have both experienced this a lot, obviously as teachers and also as parents. [00:01:57] Speaker B: Right, Absolutely. [00:01:59] Speaker A: So we are going to jump right in. We thought about three different scenarios that we're going to be talking about. The first one is when your child comes home, talking about how children may be saying that they they weren't allowed to play or that they're not invited to the birthday party or that so and so doesn't like them anymore. And what are some tools that we can give our children to respond and sort of move through some of those scenarios and feelings. And then the second one is maybe you're hosting a play date and you're seeing this where during the play date two children are are saying that the other child can't play and kind of how to handle that, whether your child is the one telling another child they can't play or whether your child is the one being told that they couldn't play. And then lastly, we want to finish off by just talking about birthday parties and what happens when your child isn't invited to the birthday party and answering the the age old question, should you invite the whole class to the party? Good one. Okay. [00:03:04] Speaker B: Yes. [00:03:05] Speaker A: So, so let's jump in. Let's say first scenario is Sophia comes home and she says, mommy, Ava and Maya said that I can't play with them anymore. And they never want to play with me. And they said that they're not my best friends anymore. And they say they. I can't come to their birthday party. You know, all of those kinds of things. Where do we start? [00:03:29] Speaker B: Well, I think the first thing is to understand that this is going to happen. And all children go through this. Almost all. And that as a parent, it really hits a lot of buttons. It brings up your own past rejections. It makes you feel very sad or very angry or very frustrated for your child. And it's easy to overreact because it's so emotional and it brings up so much emotion for the parent as well. [00:03:57] Speaker A: Absolutely. And especially the first time. [00:03:59] Speaker B: Right. [00:03:59] Speaker A: Your child's coming home and maybe this is the first time that you've. You've had to deal with this, you know, and. Yeah. So what, what are some of those emotions that we might experience? [00:04:10] Speaker B: Well, as I said, you can be really sad as it brings up your own. You could be really angry. How could the school let that happen? Who are these girls and how mean are they? And this has to stop. [00:04:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:04:22] Speaker B: So we caution you to sort of tamp down your emot emotions because it really loads it for the child and try to find out a little bit more about what actually happened so that you can be more effective. And that can start with just, oh, tell me about it. What happened? Instead of, oh, my God, that's terrible. How dare, you know, they hurt your feeling. Are you okay, honey? [00:04:47] Speaker A: Yes. [00:04:47] Speaker B: You know? [00:04:48] Speaker A: Yes. [00:04:49] Speaker B: Which, which can really turn something fairly simple into a big, A bigger deal that. That, that it needs to be. [00:04:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:04:57] Speaker B: Because this is a. A life skill that will be very important for your child to be able to handle rejection in a way that is, empowers them, but also does not escalate the situation. And we have seen many different ways that kids have handled rejection. And there are ways to really keep it workable, and then there are ways that can really increase and blow up and, and become a real problem for your child because of their behavior to the rejection. [00:05:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:34] Speaker B: There's the rejectors and there's a rejected and. And you know, we sort of want to look at both, but right now we're talking about the child has been rejected. [00:05:41] Speaker A: Right. Yeah. And I think, you know, your point around first checking in with our own response and our own feelings and that we don't escalate the situation. [00:05:50] Speaker B: That's right. [00:05:50] Speaker A: Because, you know, if we do go, oh, my goodness, are you okay? Oh, that must have been so Hard. Sweetie. Oh, I'm so sorry they did that to you. You know, how could anyone do that to my sweet little, you know, child? Then it really sends a message to the child that this was a big deal. [00:06:06] Speaker B: Yes. [00:06:07] Speaker A: Right, right. And that this was something that was really, really hurtful. And maybe we're even sort of sending a message that this is something that they. That may be hard to recover from. [00:06:17] Speaker B: Right. [00:06:18] Speaker A: And I think what we want to talk about today is, you know, this idea of building resiliency, and how can we use moments like this to help our children to become more resilient? And, and, and like you said, it starts with our response. And if our response. If our response escalates, this social. This social hurt. And, and, you know, I love that question that you gave to parents, which is. And we'll put it in the notes, the question is, tell me more. Right. Tell me more about that. And, you know, you could also ask the child actually, oh, how did you feel? Right. When that happened? [00:06:59] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:00] Speaker A: Because sometimes I've asked my kids that, and they'll say, oh, I didn't really care. I went and played with, you know, Jonah. So we really want to start there with, like, how did they feel? [00:07:10] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:12] Speaker A: And. And also. But not in a. Like, oh, how are you feeling? You know, but just, like, how did that feel? [00:07:18] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:19] Speaker A: You know, chances are they'll say, you know, they're. They're bringing this to you, so chances are they're going to say, you know, I didn't like it. I was, you know, it made me sad. I was, you know, I was crying, whatever it is. But we want to start there with just tell me more. Really neutral tone. Right, right, right. [00:07:37] Speaker B: Matter of fact. [00:07:37] Speaker A: Matter of fact, neutral tone, you know. [00:07:40] Speaker B: And attentive, but not overly dramatic. [00:07:43] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. And then what. What kinds of questions would you want to know? Let's say they say, well, they were playing a doctor game, and they said, I couldn't. I couldn't play. [00:07:54] Speaker B: And then you could say, so. And after you say, how did that make you feel? And then you can say, what did you do next? What happened next? And one thing I think that's really effective with kids is doing role playing. So you could say, well, you know, this could happen again. This happened to me when I was a little girl or little boy, and it's something we have to expect sometimes. And, And I have also seen you to the child do this to. To your brother or to. To friends. So it happens, and it can be painful, but there's things that you can do. It's a problem that is solvable. [00:08:33] Speaker A: Cool. [00:08:33] Speaker B: So I would approach it as a problem solving. So what was the name of the problem? You got rejected. What are you going to do next time when that happens? And you could run a few scenarios if your child doesn't come up. Could. You could start the ball rolling by you being her or him and the child being the rejectors? [00:08:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:55] Speaker B: That's a fun role to play. Yeah. For some kids because they, they, they're not ever the rejectors. [00:09:01] Speaker A: Right, right. [00:09:02] Speaker B: And then you could use a number of different techniques. One thing that Rebecca and I have seen is kids that are. Are taught by their parents, trying to be kind, oh, can I play with you? And what we have seen is the, the only answer to oh, can I play with you? Is no. So it's kind of counterintuitive. But we don't recommend teaching your kids to say, can I play with you? [00:09:29] Speaker A: Teaching them. Right. To maybe observe what the children are saying and ask a more specific question. So that's one of the social entry skills that we might teach is like, you know, okay, well, instead of saying, can, can I play? You could say, can I be a. That has a broken arm? Right. Can I be a. Can I be the, the person that checks you into the office and, you know, can I be the doctor's helper? You know, giving them really specific roles that they could be in that game? The children are much less likely to reject a child that has an idea like that. [00:10:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:08] Speaker A: So. [00:10:09] Speaker B: And an idea that. With, with confidence. [00:10:11] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:10:14] Speaker B: And that's something that takes time to build for some kids. But the more that you practice it, and again, you could role play this at home. It gets, it does get easier and it does get very creative. But then there's always this, the situation where that doesn't work. [00:10:29] Speaker A: Yes. [00:10:30] Speaker B: And so we also want to help children to see that there's other options and that they can say very confidently, oh, okay, I'm gonna go play with Maya and not get into a big struggle with, with the friends. [00:10:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:48] Speaker B: You know, if it, if it was mean or if it got to the point where the child was really upset. Of course, if they're at school to go to the teacher or at home, go to a parent for help. These are very young children. They do need help and they do need modeling. [00:11:02] Speaker A: Yes. But it's worth asking them, like, was there anyone else that was available to play and start to get them thinking about that, because I believe that the way that the child handles the rejection either gives those rejectors more power or less power. And so if they're really crushed by it and they're, you know, and they're crying and, you know, they, they said I couldn't play. And making this huge thing that those kids that were doing, that rejecting suddenly feel like, oh, this was really powerful. [00:11:33] Speaker B: Yes. [00:11:33] Speaker A: And so, you know, one of the things I've tried to teach my own kids is, you know, in, in a scenario like that to just say, okay, that's fine, I'm going to go. And, you know, we had to do this a lot with the sibling roles, but just to say, okay, that's fine. I'm going to go play this. [00:11:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:48] Speaker A: And I'm going to go play with, you know, Jonah. And, and when they can do that with, with confidence, it, it kind of makes those kids that were rejecting have a second look at that child and go, oh, absolutely. [00:12:03] Speaker B: As I was saying to Rebecca, I've seen kids that, they just know how to enter any kind of play without making it a big deal. And not everybody can have that, that strong of a social skill, but all children, I think, can learn. And in doing so, it really helps them to not be on the, that end of the, of the stick where they're getting rejected a lot. And that's very painful. When that starts happening, then you've got another situation. And usually it's the child really doesn't know how to enter play. [00:12:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:12:36] Speaker B: Usually it's a child who needs coaching and needs some role playing and, and to try out some new ideas so that this doesn't become something that carries on to elementary school and, and beyond. And so I would see it as a problem that's solvable. I would, as Rebecca said, I would keep more, matter of fact, get some more information and, you know, if it becomes a huge problem, of course, to talk to the teachers. But there's a lot that you can do at home to help a child really feel confident and not be put in that position. [00:13:14] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And to feel like they, they also have, they have something that they can do. Like you said, the next time. Right. And that's, I think one of our goals as parents is to help our children to figure out what are they going to do the next time they're in that scenario. Because often, you know, just like with parenting, like, I, you know, often find myself, okay, that, that, that behavior, you know, caught me off guard. I didn't really love the way I handled it, but I'm always thinking, okay, well, that's going to happen tomorrow. [00:13:42] Speaker B: Yes, Many opportunities. [00:13:45] Speaker A: And, you know, you may be listening and go, oh, my gosh. I've already, you know, my child's already talked to me about this, and I've already, you know, took it way too far or I got upset or whatever. So never too late. And really, it's just. It will probably happen again. So. So just, you know, giving them tools. Okay, well, you know, this might happen again. You know, this could happen tomorrow. And. And what can you do? What can you say? Right. [00:14:10] Speaker B: Right. The other thing that I have done in the past when a child needs a little boost who's been rejected is I will bring out something either at home or at school, depending on the situation, Something really quite wonderful that I don't normally have out. It could be art supplies with glitter and glue, or it could be a really intricate puzzle or building material. And I'll just have that on the table with the child that's been rejected and with. Pretty soon, other kids wander over. They want to see what's going on. And so it's just a way of giving a little additional help for that child at that point without drawing a lot of attention to it. As Rebecca said, you don't want this to be something where the child really feels like, oh, my God, this is horrible, and I can't deal with it. [00:15:00] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And I wonder if, you know, thinking about something you could guide your child to do, I wonder if another thing, instead of saying like, oh, was there anybody else that was available to play? You could also say, is there anything else that you could have done? Almost guide them to. To go and find something interesting to do. [00:15:19] Speaker B: Right. [00:15:20] Speaker A: And, you know, and encourage them and say, you know what? Maybe when you go and do something, if you start building something really cool, if you start doing something really interesting, maybe nobody's at the easel and you go over to the easel. I wonder if you might spark someone's interest and they might join you, you know, and that could even be another tool that you could use that you could give your child to think about. Were there any other children. Are there any toys that nobody's playing with right now? That might be an interesting question, too. [00:15:45] Speaker B: Yeah, Yeah. I. I think to not avoid creating. Facing this as a pro, some. A problem to solve. You know, name the problem and. And see if your child has some answers. You know, what. What can you do to solve this problem? You might say, or what do you think one of their friends might do to solve a problem if they come up with nothing? Sometimes going third person is helpful for them to get over that. And, and then if you need to, then you can offer some solutions. But I would first try to let the child solve it and to remind them, because they're so in the moment, that this is just. This is usually just for today. Tomorrow. Yes, your friends will probably want to play with you. If it, as I said, if it goes on and becomes an issue, then of course, you want to talk to the teachers and maybe come up with some other plans. But the goal is to keep it focused on solving the problem, matter of fact, and not, you know, blow it up too much. [00:16:57] Speaker A: Yes, yes. And that, as you'll see in our later episode as we talk about this issue with older children, you'll see how in these early years, if we can frame social rejection as something that is probably going to happen and that we can, you know, have some. Some tools and there are some ways that we can handle it. Our children then when it does happen in those middle school years and Bey, they have that in the back of their mind that this is, this is something that's a solvable problem. Right, Right. Okay, let's transition to now maybe a slightly different scenario and how we might give different tools for. Let's say you're having a play date and there's three. And yes, it's usually better if you can, to have just one child or to have, you know, maybe a group of four. But, you know, that doesn't always happen. Right. And sometimes there is that three. And we know what often happens with, with, with three in a playgroup. Right. [00:17:55] Speaker B: So. [00:17:55] Speaker A: So let's think about if you're. You're hosting a playgroup or, you know, you're hosting a playdate and your child is now telling one of the other children that they can't play and that Jackson and I are playing, you know, Noah, you can't play with us, and we don't want Noah to play with us and, and that kind of thing. [00:18:15] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's. It's much different than a situation at school where there's a lot of choices. Here is a situation where there isn't an option to go play with somebody else. And it's happening at your home and it can be very painful. So again, with a matter of fact attitude, I would, if it's my child doing the rejecting, I would talk to them and I would say, or I would say in front of the group, oh, today we have three friends and we have to find a game for three and just state it very positively and very firmly. And it's not an option that two. Two children can play and one person can't because there's no one else for him to play with or her to play with. [00:18:59] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And I think avoiding going into the feelings in that moment. [00:19:05] Speaker B: Oh, it makes him feel so bad. [00:19:07] Speaker A: Yes. [00:19:08] Speaker B: No, no. Only because, as Rebecca said, that can really empower a kid. Not because they're a mean kid, but just because it's fascinating. Really. He's going to be that up. Yeah. [00:19:20] Speaker A: And they're, I mean, they're scientists. Right. Like, that's. They're right. That stage of development is to see how much power I have over other people over their feelings. And so if we. If we take in that moment, say, oh, that really hurts, you know, Noah's feelings, and he's feeling really sad. It's not that your child is a sociopath if they want to do that more. It's just that, like. Well, that's interesting. I have power over someone's feelings. Well, let's. Let me try that more, you know. [00:19:46] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:19:47] Speaker A: So. So I like this nuance here of, you know, sometimes we are going to be helping our children to build the resiliency, but then there's other times when we're going to say, you know what? This is just, this is our family rule, is that when people come over, we include them in the play. And that's okay. [00:20:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:05] Speaker A: We don't have to always say, okay, we'll hear you. And I'll, you know, what are you going to do? I'll play with Noah or something. Right, right. [00:20:13] Speaker B: You could bring the special box down. Yeah. But I think the up to be very. A strong statement of this is not okay. When we have people over, we play with them. And this has got to be a game for three. And what are some ideas that you have? [00:20:29] Speaker A: So what. What you're saying here. I'm just reading behind the lines, kind of. Let's get real. Is that sometimes there is a time to respect the child's play. And sometimes, like in a school environment, you would respect if two children were playing and they were really deep into that play and the third child wants to enter. And sometimes we would say that it was okay for those two children to continue the game. [00:20:51] Speaker B: Right. Or a child might want to play by themselves. [00:20:53] Speaker A: Yes. [00:20:53] Speaker B: That's okay, too. [00:20:54] Speaker A: Yes. [00:20:55] Speaker B: And you can explain that to. They can explain that to a child. I'm playing by myself now. I'll play with you later. [00:21:01] Speaker A: Right. [00:21:01] Speaker B: Something like that. But. And in your home, when you've invited people to your home, I Think that's a very good family rule. [00:21:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:21:09] Speaker B: People over. [00:21:10] Speaker A: We're all going to include each other all together. Yeah. And, you know, you could say, you know, if you're feeling like you need something space right now, you know, to your child, you could say, you know, Jackson, if you're feeling like you need some space and it's too much to play with Carter and Noah right now, you can take some time and play by yourself in your room, or you can take a little break and you can play something by yourself. Right. So that could be an option that they might need. You know, maybe it is a little overwhelming for them. And so, you know, you could always give them the option that they would play on their own, but that we're going to just have a rule that, you know, when we invite people over, we have to think of a game that includes our everybody. And we're not going to let our children be mean to people. Right. [00:21:53] Speaker B: And. And that's the thing, is you're teaching them your values, and in this situation, you're having very clear what the parameters are of this, and that's fine, too. There can't be one size fits all. There's just so many different situations that come up. I think that it's really hard to give all the scenarios, but I think that feeling of this is your home, you're not having kids over that are going to be rejected in your house. [00:22:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:21] Speaker B: And that your child learns that about your family is. Is very important. They may not like it, in which case they can go to their room and be by themselves, and then you can have something for the two kids to do if you had to. They probably will be okay. But yeah, it, it's, you know, as Rebecca said, kids are trying on power. They're testing constantly and they're looking to us for guidance. Sometimes we can back out and let kids solve their own problems, which is the ideal. But there are times when we have to step in and be confident, not be ambivalent or wishy washy. [00:23:01] Speaker A: Yes. [00:23:02] Speaker B: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. You know. No. [00:23:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:05] Speaker B: It's got to be as a statement. [00:23:06] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:07] Speaker B: Firm and clear. Yeah. [00:23:09] Speaker A: And. And maybe before we leave this scenario, what would your response be if you were at a friend's house and, you know, maybe the parents are there too. Your child is being told that they can't play and maybe the other parents aren't saying anything. Right. And they're not interviewing. [00:23:25] Speaker B: That's a good one. Yeah. [00:23:28] Speaker A: Let's get real. [00:23:30] Speaker B: That is A very difficult situation. And I think at that point, you either leave or you do something special with your child. Yeah. They're not fine with you now let's go read some books. And maybe later they will really not going to be able to do too much more than that, because it's the parents that need to step up in that situation. And you're right. Many parents do not, because either they're embarrassed or they don't know what to do. [00:23:54] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that's worth actually talking about for a second. I think a lot of parents don't do anything because they are embarrassed a little bit about that behavior. And I know I've been in that scenario myself as a parent where my child does something that's a little bit out of line. And there was almost this feeling like if I don't address it, then maybe the other parents didn't hear it, or maybe I will just like, pretend that it didn't happen. Right. So that's real. I think sometimes we are embarrassed by our children's behavior. And it's not that, you know, we're bad parents or that, you know, we're. We're just being completely neglectful. But sometimes there is a little bit of that embarrassment. And there's also a little bit of that, you know, the other reason, which is like, I don't know what to. [00:24:39] Speaker B: Do, and the fear of escalating. If your kid is a kid that escalates and you're like, oh, my God, what if he really. [00:24:45] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:46] Speaker B: You know, has a huge tantrum. [00:24:48] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:48] Speaker B: But the. The goal for all of us is to be competent parents and your kids are watching you. And it's important at the. That time to. You might need to take a little tiny time, but not a lot of time to really think through, okay, what needs to happen here. I'm the adult, and I have to, you know, decide. And, you know, your child is watching you, the other children are watching you. So you're going to find a solution that. That makes the most sense and not be so worried. Even though we are about what people think of you or are you a bad parent or, you know, it's. It's a very brave job being a parent. [00:25:31] Speaker A: Yes. [00:25:31] Speaker B: And the more that we can feel confident in helping our children deal with these life issues, giving them tools, showing them what our values are is very important. Kids really want to know. With my boys, when they were younger, oftentimes I would hear them say, well, we don't do that in our family to their friends. And I thought wow, that's awesome. [00:25:57] Speaker A: Totally. [00:25:58] Speaker B: So it. There's very positive things that can come from this. Just to be prepared. [00:26:04] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely. [00:26:06] Speaker B: Don't feel like you're having the rug pulled out from under you when you can prepare for it. What will I do if this happens? If you suspect that it might. And have a plan. [00:26:16] Speaker A: Yeah. And talk to your child ahead of time. Right. Especially if you. [00:26:20] Speaker B: Yeah. Sometimes you've seen this before by surprise. [00:26:23] Speaker A: Right. [00:26:23] Speaker B: If you can. [00:26:24] Speaker A: If you've seen the behavior before and, you know, especially with this child that they, you know, sometimes they do exclude him from play. But, you know, maybe you're really good friends with the mom and you want to keep inviting them over, then. Yeah. Talk about it ahead of time. I found that to be such an effective tool with my children to say, okay, so today Carter and Noah are coming over, and we're going to find games that can include everybody. And if you need a break, then you can go to your room, you can play by yourself. But we're not going to exclude Noah. [00:26:56] Speaker B: And having written family rules is one of the strongest steps that you can take as a parent. Don't have too many three or four. Yeah, my kids would just go. I would. I would not even have to say a word. I would just point to the rule and they'd go, oh. So it's a really good way of showing your kids what your values are, going over it with them, letting them add to it so that it's participatory. But that can really help in those sticky situations. [00:27:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Awesome. Okay, the last question that we want to answer is something that I think has been, you know, really divided on social media recently, which is, you know, do you invite the whole class to the birthday party, or is it okay to just invite a few friends? [00:27:43] Speaker B: Well, I think there's a lot of issues there. One is economic, you know, can you afford to invite the whole class? And then, secondly, it's stamina. Do you really want to invite the whole class? Does your child want to invite the whole class? [00:28:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:00] Speaker B: I mean, there's ways of keeping birthday parties very simple. I know that there are families and schools now that are celebrating a number of birthdays, all the January birthdays, and they just have one party. That's another idea. But for most people, as your kids get older, you want to have a smaller party. And I think that, you know, families understand that, and kids can understand that, too, and they may prefer that. So I think when they're younger, it's a little harder, but then. And as they get older, it can be painful, more painful, because they, they have more of an understanding of what that's about. [00:28:40] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [00:28:41] Speaker B: So I think talking about it, deciding what works for your family, very personal. And then figuring out how you're going to handle it and involving your child in that. [00:28:52] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I know for us, like, in preschool, we would do like, group parties, like you said, with some. Maybe getting together with some other family so that you weren't exclusively hosting a party for the whole class. And it, and it sort of makes it easier for other parents, too, because when you start having to go to a birthday party every single weekend, it gets hard. But as my, you know, and in kindergarten, I think we invited the whole class. But as my children got older, I did notice that they wanted smaller parties. And I think. And also I thought it was an important way to help them understand that they're not going to be invited to every birthday party either. [00:29:34] Speaker B: That's right. [00:29:34] Speaker A: And that's okay. And, you know, I think that is a life skill to be able to, again, not give it too much weight. You know, if they do come home and say, you know, so and so didn't invite me to their party. Well, first of all, if a preschooler comes home and says, you know, Jake's not inviting me to his birthday party, I think the first question to ask is, well, maybe Jake was just mad at you because preschools love to. To use that, yes, you're not coming to my birthday party. It probably has nothing to do with their actual invite list. Right. So that's important. And I think one of the, the skills that we use as teachers was to teach children to, to not say that, but to say, you know, I'm feeling mad at you right now. Right. And so, you know, if your child does say that, you know, Jake didn't invite them to the party, you could say, well, maybe Jake's just mad at you today, but, you know, he may change his mind tomorrow. And sometimes friends get mad at each other, and that doesn't mean that we're not friends. [00:30:35] Speaker B: That's right. That's right. [00:30:37] Speaker A: But, yeah, but I did find that as my children, you know, got a little older, it was important to have smaller birthdays. And some, and some people do that earlier, smaller birthday parties. And I don't think that there should be this pressure because I think, think if we put this sort of this expectation that everybody should invite everyone to their birthday party, what we're telling our children is that if you don't get invited to a birthday party, it's a huge deal. [00:31:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:04] Speaker A: It's a crisis. Right, right. And the thing is, is that they. They've got to have those skills. They've got to have the skills to know what to do when they don't get invited to a birthday party. Yeah. Or if you find out, you know, to not try to, like, do everything you can. Doesn't know that. So. And so is having a birthday party, you know, to say, oh, yeah, they're having a birthday party. It looks like they mostly invited their soccer friends. No, it looks like maybe they didn't have enough space. But, you know, they may invite you next year. They may have. Invite you for a play date. You know, just trying, you know, the more that we can minimize it as parents, the more we give the information to our children that, oh, well, this is. This is kind of a feeling that I could move through. [00:31:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:48] Speaker A: This isn't going to be the end of me. Right. And I think that is such an important skill as our children get older, to know that social rejection isn't, you know, isn't going to end them. Right, right. [00:32:03] Speaker B: And. And giving them the skills to deal with that and to be able to talk about it, you know, and, And. And take some of the. The. The power out of it. [00:32:12] Speaker A: Yes. [00:32:13] Speaker B: Really, really important. [00:32:15] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that's what it does. And even, you know, I mean, birthday parties can be loaded. Right. And who's invited and all that. But even just like a simple play date, you know, just not hiding that from other children. Not hiding that from other parents. Just saying, oh, yeah, I'm. You know, Isaiah's coming over today and he and Joey are having a play date. [00:32:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:35] Speaker A: You know, don't hide that. [00:32:36] Speaker B: Yes. [00:32:37] Speaker A: Don't try to. [00:32:39] Speaker B: That is a very strong urge. [00:32:40] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. And I think that was actually a very strong urge for me that I had to overcome when my children were little and this urge to want to protect them or also not want to hurt anyone else's feelings. I was, you know, very nervous about hurting other people's feelings. And I was actually very thankful for a mom in our. In our class who really modeled this very well for me and just made. Made it seem like it really wasn't a big deal and that we didn't. It wasn't gonna hurt anyone's feelings. She would just say, oh, yeah, today, you know, Haley is going over to so and so's house, so she won't be able to come, but yeah, maybe. Maybe another time for sure. Let's get together. And you were left as A parent thinking, great, like, yeah, that Haley's going somewhere else, but maybe tomorrow she'll. She'll come over. And it. It wasn't a big deal. And I think when you stop worrying about hurting everyone's feelings, you send a message to your child that, you know, it's okay. It's okay if you don't get invited. It's okay if they're having a play date. Sometimes kids have play dates without us, and that's okay. You know, and sometimes you have a play date without another child, and it doesn't mean that you don't like that other child. Right. And so I think. [00:34:13] Speaker B: Right. [00:34:13] Speaker A: When we do that, it almost creates a culture within. Even within that grade that, you know, it's not okay, and it's secretive, and it's also a huge deal. [00:34:24] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:34:25] Speaker A: If you don't get invited to every play date. Right. So I think the more we can just, you know, not make a big deal. Oh, you wanted Maya to come over. Oh, you know, she can't come over today. Looks like she's going to Ava's house, but we'll invite her another time. Time. Then your child learns that, like, oh, yeah, I guess I could invite her another time. And it's not a big deal. But if you're like, oh, no, Ava's not available today, I. I don't know why. You know, it's like they pick up on it, and they know that, and then they hear tomorrow. Right. That they had a play date. And then they know that mom wasn't comfortable saying that. [00:34:59] Speaker B: Right. [00:34:59] Speaker A: That reaffirms this belief that that was a huge rejection and that was a huge loss. [00:35:05] Speaker B: Loss. And a lot of this, again, comes from ourselves and our own past rejections. Yes. That are suddenly being pushed, you know, through your child's experience. And I think talking to your child about those experiences without making them horrible and dramatic. [00:35:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:35:23] Speaker B: That happened to me when I was little. [00:35:25] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:35:26] Speaker B: And, you know, I ended up having my other friend come in another day, and it was okay. You know, or if it was painful not to. Not to avoid that. But I wouldn't overemphasize the misery. [00:35:40] Speaker A: Yeah, totally. But it's a great idea to, you know, just share with them stories from our own childhood of difficult, you know, difficult things and kind of how we. How did we handle that? Right. And I think that can be a really powerful tool, so. Okay. [00:35:59] Speaker B: Well, I think that was all the questions, right? [00:36:01] Speaker A: Yes, I think we answered all the questions. I hope this was helpful. I hope you feel more empowered the next time your child comes home and says that Zoe wouldn't play with them or if your child is is doing that to another child at a playdate. So feel free to listen to this as many times as you need in order to get these tools. And definitely check out the notes on the podcast and we'll have some bullet points there as well for you. So thank you. [00:36:27] Speaker B: Okay. Thank you. [00:36:29] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens where your personal parenting journey matters and your questions are always welcome. If you've enjoyed today's podcast, we'd love it. If you'd like, subscribe, leave a rating and review and share this podcast with a friend. It really helps others find us and supports the work we are doing to support parents near and far. Check out the show notes, leave your parenting questions in the comments or head to our dedicated webpage earlychildhoodmatters.org podcast. 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