Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Parenting Matters. Real Talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco, and I'm joined by my longtime mentor and co host, Belan Gioreto.
Together, we're here to answer your parenting questions from the early years through adolescence. As seasoned and humble parents and early childhood educators, we bring over 50 years of combined experience in teaching, directing, and coaching parents.
We started this podcast to help you raise resilient, confident kids and teens and to give you practical tools that can increase your confidence, effectiveness, and your joy in parenting.
This is real Talk where we share multiple strategies because every child is unique, and we always explore what to try when just nothing else seems to be working.
So let's get real and let's get to it.
All right, welcome back to Parenting Matters. We are really excited about this episode. We know that the school year is just around the corner for families.
Such a big transition point. Whether your child is starting preschool for the first time, just switching classrooms, or making that big jump to kindergarten, we're going to cover it all today. Thank you so much for your questions.
And we are excited, excited to be together and jumping in. Welcome, Bellann.
[00:01:34] Speaker B: Thank you. Yeah, this is a great topic.
[00:01:38] Speaker A: Okay, well, let's jump in with the questions that we have. Okay, so our first question is just this classic one. My child is starting preschool for the first time. He has been with a nanny most of his life. How do I help him make this transition? He is a little slow to warm up, and I'm a little nervous.
[00:02:01] Speaker B: I think every parent is a little nervous about school.
Each year is different, and some children just have that disposition of loving school. Some children are okay with it. Some children are really slow to warm up. And so, you know, however you felt about school can really impact the way.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: That you.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: Handle your child's fears or excitement about school. One thing that is really helpful is to make it a little make a book. And you, you make it for the child, not with the child. And it has a beginning and a middle and end. You can use stick figures. Your child is not going to criticize your art. I've used experience books for, you know, really serious situations like, you know, childhood illness.
I've used it for adoption. I've used it for lots of different transitions. And because it's securitizing, because of the beginning and middle and end, it really can help a child adjust to a new situation because, of course, it's the anxiety of not knowing. And the experience book really gives a child A sense of that they know what to expect.
Again, it can be very simple.
Some parents, parents really go elaborate and do a full production. But again, the, the reason it works is because it, it is very clear about the things that you can be clear about where the school is, what time they're going to school. If you don't know the teacher's name, they're going to have a teacher, they're going to have lunch time. If that's true, anything that you. And then you can add to it.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: But yeah. Oh my goodness, yeah. Just even giving them the schedule of the day, you know, most preschools will tell you, you know, what their schedule is and just having that. I love this idea of the book, but having that schedule included so that they know, you know, each page. It can be, you know, oh, first you play outside and you know, and then, you know, Zoe goes to snack time and then after snack. It's so calming and reassuring for a child. Right.
[00:04:06] Speaker B: I think it's calming for the parent as well.
[00:04:11] Speaker A: That's true, that's true. And it kind of helps you to realize like, okay, this is what they're going to be doing and they're going to be okay.
And yeah, I mean, I think the other. And you can even write in the story like, you know, Zoe was really nervous on her first day and she was feeling really worried. And then when she went to school, she, you know, she saw that they had trains at school just like she had at home and she was really excited and she loves trains, you know, and because like you said, that story arc right of is so powerful for children to know it's not that they're not going to be afraid, but to know that I'm going to be afraid, but then I'm going to be okay.
[00:04:55] Speaker B: I think also if your child is young, going to preschool, giving them something of yourself, a scar or something that they can take with them that tells them that you're going to come back or that, you know.
Yes, still connected and it can be very simple. Usually I recommend this for younger children, but I've been surprised how many 5 year olds are helped by just having something tangible of the, of the, either the father or the mothers that they can take to school.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I remember, I remember you doing that with kids when, when I was teaching at Pacific Primary. And even just something that the parent comes in wearing that day. Right. Like you said, like it could be.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: A scarf or just even something that's a, you know, it doesn't have to be something really spectacular. But just something that the parent says, here, hold on to this. This is mine. I'm gonna see you soon.
[00:05:51] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:05:52] Speaker B: You know.
[00:05:53] Speaker A: Yeah. And of course this reminds me of all kinds of books. Like, I mean, I think one of my all time favorite books is the Kissing Hand. Right?
[00:06:00] Speaker B: Well, the Kissing Hand is great. Yes.
[00:06:02] Speaker A: Such a wonderful book. If you haven't read that to your child as they make this transition. We do have some articles on back to school transitions on our website at Early Child and you can see all of our resources. But we also have a list of.
[00:06:16] Speaker B: Back to school books also very important that the parent, we used to call it put on a brave face.
So you're looking super worried or really concerned.
That's not really helping your child at that point. So you want to put on a brave face, put on a happy face.
Not negating that the child might be worried, but also not fanning the fires, the flames of that, so that the child says, wow, if you're that worried, I must have something to really worry about.
[00:06:47] Speaker A: Absolutely, absolutely. And I think, you know, we've, we've talked about this, I think on other shows. Right. Like, how do you find that balance between. We want to acknowledge a child's feelings, we don't want to deny them. We don't want to say, oh, you have nothing to worry about. School is going to be great, you're going to love it. Right?
[00:07:04] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:07:06] Speaker A: But at the same time, if we express through our facial expressions or even through our own anxieties, it's like, I know you're really worried. It's, it's, you know, it's just the way that we acknowledge those feelings is so powerful versus being a little bit more objective and saying, yeah, it's really hard to do new things. Right. And just acknowledging that and saying it's really hard and it is really scary when we do something new and maybe tell, telling a story from your own life where you did something new or you did something that you had never done before or you know, if you have a memory from starting a new school or starting a new classroom, I've found that that can be really powerful for young children.
[00:07:55] Speaker B: Yeah, that's. Can really make a difference.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: But like you said, just not necessarily holding on to the feelings too much. We don't want to disregard them, but we do need to have confidence that our child can, can get through this. And that's something I think that is so powerful just in general. Right. We're constantly portraying to our children like bravery is not the absence of fear. Right. Bravery is doing something that you're afraid to do and overcoming that fear. And so I think when we can have this mindset of I believe in you, I know you can do this. And I have to say like, I remember when my youngest, when he started at Pacific Primary, when he was even transitioning from one classroom to another and I think we have another question about that. Like he had a really hard time and I could not believe the thoughts that would go through my head and I knew every teacher there and trusted them and was so confident that he was in a really loving and safe place. But you still, you know, it's so hard not to over worry and like you said, if your child doesn't come back saying I love school, you know, how do you approach that? I guess like what, what are tips for parents there if they are coming back? And you know, it's very common the first week to say I don't want to go back.
[00:09:13] Speaker B: Yeah. And boy, that strikes the fear in parents like nothing else can. But I, I think what you were saying, which is, you know, every parent wants their child to have high self esteem and feel confident, but it's through working through these difficult passages which we all have with a parent who really does believe that you can do it is how you build that self esteem and that confidence. Yes, this is hard, but I know you can do this and I'm going to help you and you, you're going to do things that are going to help yourself as well. And it might take some time, but we're in this together and I know you can do this. That's a very different message than saying, oh my God, you really hate school. What are we going to, you know.
[00:09:58] Speaker A: Yes. And yeah, and even thinking those thoughts like oh my gosh, do I need to find another school? Do I need to.
I mean, of course if this goes on and on and it's, you know, four months into the school year, you definitely want to start asking questions and.
[00:10:11] Speaker B: You know, partner with the teachers right away. Don't wait to talk to the teachers about what you're, you know, hearing or seeing and they can help you as well. Yeah, transition.
[00:10:23] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:10:24] Speaker B: But I think fun getting ready for school, you know, have some fun with it and have the child help you pick out some of the school supplies, be it a backpack or a lunchbox or for older kids, school supplies so that they are seeing something really positive about this and that you're enjoying it and that they, they can enjoy it as well. It's easier for you to do all that without your child. But we really recommend that you include them to build that sense of positive anticipation.
[00:10:58] Speaker A: I think that is such a good point. Because even just having like a backpack that they're really excited to bring or a lunch bag and something that they are excited about and also connected to, because then they're more connected to that from their home life and there's homes.
[00:11:15] Speaker B: Or it could be a favorite book that they want to share, Something that they really love to. To already. Like a book or, you know, something appropriate. A book or a puzzle or whatever that they can bring to share with the teacher.
[00:11:28] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: And they can bring the experience book with them to school as well.
[00:11:33] Speaker A: Yes, yes.
[00:11:35] Speaker B: Bring that during the day when they need it.
[00:11:37] Speaker A: Yeah. Bringing that book that you made with them can be really special. Also, a photo. Some schools will ask for a family.
[00:11:44] Speaker B: The photo's great.
[00:11:46] Speaker A: But if your school hasn't, then definitely bringing a photo of your family into their backpacks, that can be really helpful as well.
And also giving your, your teachers, if they haven't asked already, like giving them different things about your child's home life and making sure that they know maybe some of their favorite things to play with at home or maybe like a favorite food, maybe if grandma lives at home or just, you know, little clues into their life. Because I definitely found as a teacher, if I did have a child that was slow to warm up, if I could talk about something that was happening at home, suddenly the eyes would be bright and they're like, oh, you know, about my baby brother or, you know, about my grandma, or, you know, and that would just really help them to feel like this isn't such a strange environment because it is really, like for a child. I mean, often we, you know, we don't think about it, but it is like a brand new environment where they have no adults that they already know and trust. It's huge, right? Like, it's a huge leap for a child.
Totally. Totally. And so like you said, like, kind of putting on that brave space, making sure that, you know, if we do and it's okay to have questions, it's okay to have doubts as a parent. And you should certainly, you know, get your questions answered if you have any. But, you know, not, not in front of your child. Right. Like, if they say, I don't like my teacher, well, you know, if you start questioning them, like, well, what did they do? What did they say? You know, it's gonna sort of fan that versus just, you know, trying to find out a little bit More information. Okay, so this question is, yeah. Kind of about this transition from one classroom to the, to the next. And the parent says, my daughter was really attached to her teacher last year and she will move into a new class.
[00:13:36] Speaker B: Class.
[00:13:37] Speaker A: And she says she doesn't want to go into the new classroom.
What can I do?
[00:13:43] Speaker B: I think that is. Was really surprising, not only for the parents, but also for the teachers who know this child, thinking, what's the problem? You know, us, you know, the school, you had a great year just changing classrooms. I think we underestimated that. For most kids, it's, it's big. They've really bonded with their teachers. They bonded with the classroom. Very comfortable. And even though they've been there a whole year and know the school and know that other classroom, it's not their classroom. Yeah.
And new newness can be tricky. So to not be surprised if you hear that to, you know, you could say, oh, you know, I think other kids might feel that way as well. Let's do some things that are going to make you feel, you feel better about, you know, going into this new classroom.
And again, it could be doing. Writing with them about it.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: Another book.
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Right. Maybe that book they. With the, the first experience book the parent does without the child. Because you're, you're doing a story that you want to control from there. I would do a lot of writing with them. Tell me about it.
Write it out. I often find once kids hear. Tell me about it and they write it out, they're ready to move on.
So writing is really. And you're, you're not, you're not editing. Oh, you don't feel that way. No. You're not saying, you know, say some pretty loaded things and you're writing them down.
[00:15:11] Speaker A: I never want to go to school again.
Writing that all down.
[00:15:15] Speaker B: Yeah. That's how you feel right now, but not, oh, you don't feel that way. You love school.
And it might help. I've seen a lot of children be helped by that. Just writing it out.
[00:15:29] Speaker A: That's awesome. Yeah. And also I would say, you know, again, going back to the, you know, I did a new thing. Like maybe you started a new job or maybe when you moved as a child and just telling those stories to help them see that everybody has those feelings when they're going into something new. And yet I did it and then I ended up really loving it or I ended up really having the best school year of my life or something and, you know, really just helping them to go through that arc of like, I Was afraid I didn't want to do it, but then I did it and it was okay. And I think, gosh, what a powerful lesson because so many things in life are going to be that same arc. Right. Like, I wasn't sure. I was worried, I was scared. Whether that's like trying out for a team or starting a new school, starting a new job. Right.
Taking on a new role. It's.
We have those feelings of. I'm not sure.
[00:16:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
And I think just having that attitude of seeing it as something where the child is going to learn something very important from this, something that's going to really strengthen, you know, again, their self esteem.
That's a very different place that the parents coming from, from, oh my God, we've got a problem. This is terrible to say, oh, this is going to be a bit of a struggle. And struggles are good. And you can learn a lot from struggles.
[00:16:56] Speaker A: Yes.
But I mean, for me, it's like one of the hardest things as a parent.
Right. In the lived experience is to not want to solve that problem. Not want to, you know, take away anxiety, take away.
[00:17:11] Speaker B: And you don't want to see your child unhappy. No parent does. But I think if we can change our attitude of these challenges are going to come up. How am I as a parent going to handle them and what positivity can come out of this? That's a very different approach and one that can really be very beneficial for the child to, like you said, overcome anxiety, how to deal with fear, how to deal with uncertainty. Really important. And it starts when they're young.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Absolutely. And yeah, I think maybe the way that you said it, it's like instead of having this mentality which is so normal and natural, I think as a parent to have this mentality of like, okay, I'm going to remove any problems, like, how can I solve every problem for you? How can I remove. How can I make life as smooth as possible?
And you know, if we can start talking ourselves out of that narrative a little bit and say, you know, how can I help you grow from challenge? How can I help you learn to face hard things, learn to be confident in those moments. Right.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: And to share, like you said, share some stories from your own life that would be appropriate to share with a young child can. Can also really help. So it's not. So that takes a lot of the negativity away.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: Absolutely, absolutely. And I mean that, you know, going back to my own child, moving from the penguin room to the prairie dog room, and he was, I'm not going to be a prairie dog. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to be a pengu penguin. I'm not going.
And so we, you know, we did this whole thing, and there's an article about it on our website, but we did this whole thing of, like, yeah, it's hard doing new things. It's hard, you know, but I know you can do it. And we ended up, like, making up a little song. And he had older siblings, so his siblings were giving. Giving him stories as well about, like, hard things that they did or things they didn't want to do but they ended up loving.
And, you know, we ended up making up a little song, like, for him on the way to school, and it was just like, I'm gonna rock this prairie dog thing. Feeling a little afraid, but that's okay. Feeling a little scared, but that's okay because I'm gonna rock it anyway.
[00:19:27] Speaker B: That's great. Yeah.
[00:19:29] Speaker A: And it was just. And so he, you know, it was just a way to again, acknowledge that it is scary, but also. But I can do hard things. I can do scary things, you know, And I'll never forget when he came home that day and he said, I thought.
I thought I wasn't gonna like it, but I ended up loving it. Oh.
[00:19:48] Speaker B: I was gonna ask, how long did it take? Wow. Not long.
[00:19:51] Speaker A: One day. And I was lucky. Right.
[00:19:56] Speaker B: But it took one day. Exactly.
[00:19:58] Speaker A: One day. But that, you know, and that's not always the case. Right. Like, sometimes it will take a little bit longer. I also think, like, making a list of things, if it is just trans from a new or even like, transitioning to a new school or transitioning to a new classroom. Make a list of things that will be the same. Maybe some things that will be different and then some things that will be the same.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: And if you can visit that classroom. Yes.
That's the new school, even if it's closed. You can walk by, you can look at, you know, look at buildings. You can look at the playground. If you can go in, that's great. You might not be able to. Yeah.
Visits ahead of time can really help as well.
[00:20:40] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. It's like you said, like, removing as many of the unknowns that we can because we forget how many unknowns there are for the child. Right. Sometimes, I think, as adults, because they're young and they don't, you know, maybe speak as much of their mind as we do, that sometimes we forget that they still have all of these same human emotions and thoughts and, like, it's still really scary to do something really new.
And so as much as we can remove some of those unknowns through, like we said, this book, through looking at the schedules, through visiting walks, all of those things can be so helpful.
[00:21:20] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:21:21] Speaker A: Okay, so next question is, my daughter has several friends who have moved on to TK or kindergarten, and she will now be one of the oldest in class. How can I explain to her that she wasn't left behind?
[00:21:37] Speaker B: That's going to happen again. Do most kids have this experience?
And I think that it's an interesting, it's interesting that they see it as left behind. I think that's the parents, more of the parents, but they definitely know that they're not going ahead.
And why is that? And I think, you know, certainly some of the, the logical explanation of, you know, birthdays and age cut off and that that's only going to go so far. I think, you know, building on her worry, the underlining worry is, you know, I'm not going to have new friends. I'm not going to have, you know, that secure group that I had.
And, you know, you can say, remember when you first went into this classroom, you know, you know anybody? No. And look at all the friends that you made. And you can, you know, you can do that again.
But you miss. I know you missed your friends. And let's plan some ways that we can get together with them. You know, on the weekend, let's have some play dates.
And again, that, that will take some time because that is hard for kids to understand.
Why aren't, why aren't I going off with my friends, you know?
[00:22:53] Speaker A: Yes, but I think you're right, like reminding them that at the beginning of the school year, whenever they started at the school, that they didn't have those friends and they were able to make those friends. And so, you know, do you think you'll be able to make friends this year and, you know, oh, there's maybe a couple of new friends that are coming and I wonder what their names are. And I wonder if they'll like playing dinosaurs like you do and kind of getting their interest about these, these new friends. And while you're having playdates with some of the old friends, also you working to have some playdates with the new friends as well to build those connections.
[00:23:25] Speaker B: Yeah, sometimes schools will share with you who's going to be in the classroom, and sometimes they won't. So it might be hard to do it in advance, but once you can, that would be very helpful.
[00:23:35] Speaker A: Yeah, I always found, like play dates as hard as they are sometimes as parents, we feel like it's like one more thing on our plate, one more thing we have to organize and structure. And I always found in the beginning of the year, like if you can get a few playdates in with some classmates in the first month of school, it really pays off in dividends for especially a child that's a little slower to warm up because they need just a little bit more time to build that connection. And especially if you can have somebody over to your house, even if it's possible, then they feel like, okay, somebody else at school maybe knows my parents or maybe they know they've met my brother and it just really helped. Helps to ease them. But even just meeting up at a park can also be really helpful just to give them an extra little boost to build some connections to that new community that they're entering into. Cool.
Okay.
Do you have any recommendations for how to move bedtime? Back this summer, my child has been getting into the habit of going to bed late and sleeping in late, which is great for us, but won't be great when school starts.
The bedtime and morning routine question.
[00:24:48] Speaker B: Oh, yes, I, you know, obviously start is start now, don't wait and do it gradually. Could be 10, 15 minutes to start with for a couple of days and then move it back. It is hard to give that up for the parent. But you don't want to wait till the last minute because mornings, getting ready for school in the morning can sometimes be absolutely like a big catastrophe because you got to get out, you want to be on time. Your child is dragging his heels or her heels and, and you know, it's ripe for lots of losing your cool and starting the day and then that last with you all day. Oh my God, we had such a board time. I screamed, then we were late. The principal talked to me already my school, the principal was on the sidewalk. And if you were late, man, you were in trouble.
So to to make sure that you start this as early as you can and do it gradually and then to make sure that you work out a really close clear schedule in the morning so that your child knows what to expect and you're not over functioning for the child and doing everything. Eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, get your shoes, oh my God, the backpack. And I was somebody who didn't believe that my children could do this. They were definitely late to wake up in the morning and we were in school where the child had to be at the desk sitting down at 10, 7:50am Which I said, oh, we'll get used to it. Which we never did and that was K through 8th grade. Never got used to it, but we did. Things did get better when I stopped over functioning. We made a timeline with the child, with the both children so they knew when you know what they had to do at a certain time and then you back out of it a little bit. And it's very hard to do that because you want to say and see if you might. Maybe I was shocked at how much more cooperation and investment the kids had when I backed out.
But I, but I use the timeline. I used something that they could follow even if they weren't reading. You know, first I get dressed, then I eat breakfast, then I brush my teeth and I would say are sleeping at 7:30, so be in the car at 7:30.
[00:27:26] Speaker A: And wouldn't you say you would go and just wait in the car? At 7:30 I would go into the.
[00:27:30] Speaker B: Car but they were often there before me, which I could not believe.
[00:27:34] Speaker A: That's awesome.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: So it was quite a success.
[00:27:37] Speaker A: It's such a different.
What's that?
[00:27:41] Speaker B: Can't guarantee it, but definitely backing out of it and being very clear and not over talking. You know, the more you over function, the more the child will under function. That was a very good piece of information that I experimented with and saw that it was true.
[00:27:59] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I think it's such a shift in a mindset, right, to say, okay, when you're a baby, of course I'm going to get you dressed and I'm going to feed you physically and I'm going to do all these things. But as our child grows and develops, if we don't actually step back, then we don't give our child room to step up.
[00:28:22] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:28:23] Speaker A: It's just that simple. But it's so hard, obviously in practice. But yeah, I love like the routine charts and I've done so many different variations. I feel like with my kids over the years, like sometimes we've had ones where they can, you know, check things off.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: Oh yeah, you can be very creative with this.
[00:28:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
One thing that was really fun for a while was we did these jars and if you're, if you're watching this instead of listening, you can see. But we had this. This is the done jar. Well here, try that again.
So we had these sticks, popsicle sticks in the to do jar and then they had the done jar and as they finish their task for the morning, they would move things into their jars. So we had, you know, for example, eat breakfast and they would Move it from the to do jar to the done jar. And then it was like, pack snack. Right. And even, I mean, pack snack is a great one because I found the more responsibilities as, as crazy as it sounds, the more responsibilities they had. Like if I was doing everything, packing all of their lunch, packing all of their snack, getting their backpacks ready, packing their soccer stuff, then the more time they had to get distracted to start playing, you know, actually giving them more responsibilities. And I did. They had a list of what activities they had every day. And so they were responsible for packing their soccer gear if they had soccer after school.
And I just felt like that was, you know, first of all, I didn't want to be responsible for forgetting it, but I think them having that responsibility, it was really good training. Then as they got older that they needed to be responsible for, you know, knowing what activities they had, putting it in the bag, that wasn't my responsibility, that was theirs. And so actually giving your child more responsibilities, like can they help with breakfast? Right. Can they help cut up veggies for their snack?
Surprisingly, it makes your morning more smooth because you're not spending all the time saying, you know, okay, get to breakfast, get your, you know, you're, you're, they're busier. Right, right.
[00:30:41] Speaker B: And it's exhausting to keep talking and worrying all morning. Really had a hard time believing that they actually could do this. So that's part of it is, is really giving this a chance and it made a huge difference.
[00:30:57] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. Backing just kind of taking a step back for sure.
Oh, and the other thing I was going to say about bedtime, I think for me, I was always trying to like move bedtime back earlier.
But a really good tip is if you actually start by waking them up earlier, which is really hard, I get if you don't have.
But I found like leading up to school starting, if I would wake them up 15 minutes earlier each day, then they're actually tired, you know, maybe a little bit earlier at night. And so instead of just focusing on moving that bedtime back, actually move their waking.
[00:31:39] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely.
Because you're right.
[00:31:43] Speaker A: I mean, you can do it, you know, like cold turkey.
But. And I get that, I get the temptation to do that, but you have to also think, okay, yes, of course they are going to get up. Like it's going to be a hard morning. They are going to get up. You know, you can make it. But what you may not be realizing is that you kind of have like this jet lagged kid for the first week or two and that's not fun because that's more tantrums and more crying and more, you know, difficult behaviors in lots of different ways. So you know, trying to not think of it as just, oh, we'll just go cold turkey, like it's just one bad morning or whatever.
But thinking of it more of no, it's actually going to take them a couple weeks, weeks to really adjust.
Can be helpful.
[00:32:25] Speaker B: Good point.
[00:32:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
Okay, so the last question is about starting kindergarten.
So my child is starting kindergarten, brand new school, so much bigger than his preschool. He knows no one at the school.
Any tips? I know we've kind of covered some of these things already with our previous answers, but I do think that one thing that I didn't take into account when my, my son started kindergarten was like how much less playing he would be doing in his day.
And of course that may vary depending on where you go to kindergarten. But I think I really did need to build in some open ended play for him after school.
And knowing that like he, that part of his brain that he was so, so used to exercising, of just playing and imagining and discovering all day, all day, every day in preschool, he was, you know, not doing that as much. And I think it was really hard for him to not have all of that time with his own thoughts and imagination. So building in that free play. And I think as you mentioned before too, like not over scheduling the afternoons. Right.
[00:33:37] Speaker B: And the weekends too, during this first month especially, keep things as, as low key as you can so that the child does have ample time to just play and to sort of decompress from, from all the structure. Because it is, it's a, it's a big change.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: Yes. And you may want to do extracurriculars after school, but I think we really recommend during those first couple months, as much as a child can just go home and just play, decompress, relax, the better time they will have because we do, they are so tired. And you'll find that if you're moving them from a whole day, a brand new day at a new place into an extracurricular and then another one, it's going to be really exhausting for the child.
[00:34:31] Speaker B: Right, yeah.
[00:34:33] Speaker A: That. And so really being mindful of that is something that you can control as a parent. Right. Like the after school times, the weekend times.
[00:34:42] Speaker B: Yeah. And if your child is going to after school to find out what they're doing in that program and to see if they're giving the kids some downtime, I think most of them do that.
[00:34:55] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a great point. And for younger kids, they are going to need that even more. And so even looking for, like, I know at our school we have options of different options. And so one of the options is like free play. So really thinking about that and saying, you know what, my child probably is going to need that option, you know, as they are, you know, for kindergarten or as they're younger. Even though, you know, maybe some of those other things sound so exciting and enticing, really trusting that play is still so valuable for your child as a five or six year old.
[00:35:32] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:35:32] Speaker A: They're going to be missing that free play. They really are. So building that in is so. Can be so positive. Yeah, but yeah, I would say, I mean, other things for that specific transition for kindergarten. I think like you said, like walking by the school as much as you can, again, talking to them about things that may be the same and maybe different. Right. So some of the things that will be the same is that you're going to have a circle time. Oh, did you have circle time at preschool? Oh, and oh, another thing that's going to be the same is that you're going to have a snack time or, you know, you're going to have a lunch time. You know, just really helping them kind of go through their day and, and talk about things that may be similar to preschool and things that might be different. Like, oh, at preschool, where did you play outside at? You know, at kindergarten? Oh, do you remember we saw that playground and that's where you're going to be, you know, just kind of going through and helping them see that there are some similarities, but there will be some different things.
[00:36:30] Speaker B: Also. Parents need to prepare themselves for not knowing what their child is doing. Preschool they had for lunch and what time they ate and the fact that somebody made sure that they washed their hands. I had a parent who that just blew her mind. Like, how am I going to know if my child washed his hands? And I was like, you're not going to know. And not knowing is so weird. From going from knowing almost everything, then the transition to preschool, knowing less, but knowing a lot, and then the transition to kindergarten where. And if you ask, what'd you do today? Nothing. Yeah. Who'd you play with? No one. No one. And you're gonna get a lot of that. So don't be worried about it, but prepare yourself and get creative.
Ways of asking kids to share about their school might help, but I think the main work is on yourself at this point to really realize that things are going to be Very different. You're not going to know. And that's a big step in your child becoming more and more independent.
It's not easy, but I think if you prepare for it and you know that it's normal, that can be really helpful. And then, you know, you can think of some really fun questions that you ask. Ask the child, who did you play with? You know, what was the funniest thing that happened to you today? Or what was the silliest? Or what was this the happiest and what was the saddest thing?
You know, if you're more specific, you still might not get a lot.
[00:38:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
I also found, like, as a parent, you always want to ask them on the way home from school. Right. Like, right when you pick them up. But I always found that children are really decompressing at that moment and they're not always ready to share about their day and they might be really tired and they just, you know, might not be a good time. And so waiting until bedtime, which is always hard. Right. Because that's often when they want to open up. And it's like when you want the night to end. But building that in, especially during a transition, Building in time. We used to call it talkies, where we would build in time. At the end of the night we would rotate it. So maybe one night we would do books and the next night we would, we would do talkies and we would, you know, just build time to talk at the end of the night. Because I do find children are so much more open. And a couple things we would do, like your day in review. So you start with, okay, well, you know, we had dinner. Before dinner, you were playing outside. Okay. Before that I picked you up from school. So when I picked you up from school, you were on the playground. And what happened on the playground? Oh, well, you know, actually we were playing this dragon game and we were hiding under here. Oh, okay. Who are you playing with? Right. So now suddenly we're like talking a little bit about our days.
But yeah, often the, the way home from school, you're getting like, nothing.
[00:39:24] Speaker B: Right. And a lot of kids go to after school and so the day is really long for them.
Remember what they did in school. So waiting a little bit and then having more specific questions.
[00:39:36] Speaker A: Yeah. And about space. I find kids, like, connect to those questions more, like, oh, what did you do on the playground? Or oh, I noticed that science area in your classroom. Did you do anything in the science area? Or oh, I know you have, you know, a circle time meeting, like what was the question of the day for circle time? You know, just very specific based on kind of what your knowledge even of just like looking at the classroom, but also like you said, being prepared that you know you're going to find out a lot less, you know, throughout the day you'll probably have fewer photos coming home from day at school and trusting that that is a positive thing as well, that it means your child is growing up and becoming more independent.
Okay, well, any other, you know, final tips that you would give to parents.
[00:40:25] Speaker B: You will survive and your child will too.
But you know, I think anticipating that it might not be as smooth as, as we're hoping and then if it is, that's super.
And just having some of these tips so that you have some things built in that you can do. Some of them are ahead of time, some of them are during time.
And to again, if you were somebody that loves school, your child may not be and it's okay, it just may take them longer to adjust. And also, you know, you can say to the child, well, what do you think would help you?
What do you think would help? Or sometimes what I do is depending on the age, I'll say what would a three year old, what would a four year old or what would a five year old, depending on who I'm talking, what do you think a five year old child that was having this problem would do?
And boy, I have gotten some astounding answers from kids. Like really, like when it's not about.
[00:41:26] Speaker A: Them, but it's about Right.
[00:41:27] Speaker B: Right. So when it's third person, other five year olds that are having this situation, what would they do?
[00:41:36] Speaker A: Wow, I love that.
[00:41:37] Speaker B: Very creative answers and can be very helpful.
So I think just having the idea that this is a big transition, even if your child, as we said, is just changing classrooms within an already familiar school. So to expect some ups and downs of behavior and create some, some really nice free time for your child to decompress from all this and for you as well to take it a little slower, a little more available as, as your child goes through these transitions.
[00:42:12] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. And that's such a good point. Trying to be really gentle on yourself, especially in the mornings because oh my, it's just not gonna go perfectly. Like even if you do the routine charts, even if you do right, like it's just not going to go perfectly. And so as much as you can kind of accept that, you know, whether that means we might be late a couple days or you know, and then, you know, how can we build on that how can we keep. Keep doing better? Just sort of, you know, giving yourself a little bit of slack, that it's not going to be super perfect.
[00:42:50] Speaker B: Right. But, but also I see parents, myself included, you know, we'll try something for a week and then give it up. Yeah. This is for the long haul. You want to build these skills so that you're not just doing it for a week and then having chaos.
[00:43:05] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:43:06] Speaker B: That you're really going to continue to work on that. The skill of the child being more independent and capable and able and that you believe that they can do it.
That's how you build self esteem.
[00:43:19] Speaker A: Absolutely. Well, that's a great place to wrap up, I think, because all of this, I think that we've talked about is really believing your child, believing that they're really capable of having a great year of making friends, of being able to do these tricky, scary things that they're worried about and really believing in them. And with that, they begin to believe in themselves and build the confidence that I think all of us are wanting for our children throughout life.
[00:43:51] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely.
[00:43:53] Speaker A: All right, well, thank you so much. This has been really fun.
Belen and I really hope that you have enjoyed this conversation, that you're enjoying the podcast and we look forward to coming back with a next episode for you soon.
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