Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco, and I'm joined by my longtime mentor and co host, Belan Gioreto.
Together, we're here to answer your parenting questions from the early years through adolescence. As seasoned and humble parents and early childhood educators, we bring over 50 years of combined experience in teaching, directing, and coaching parents.
We started this podcast to help you raise resilient, confident kids and teens and to give you practical tools that can increase your confidence, effectiveness, and your joy in parenting.
This is Real Talk where we share multiple strategies because every child is unique, and we always explore what to try when just nothing else seems to be working.
So let's get real, and let's get to it.
All right, welcome back, everybody.
We are really excited to answer these next three questions. I feel like they're just the really classic kinds of questions that come up for parents of preschoolers everywhere. Not listening, throwing tantrums when parent says no, not wanting to put on shoes.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: Or other items of clothing.
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Yes, exactly.
And I think, you know, as we were sort of starting to discuss these questions, we were talking about our own experiences as parents and just the differences in the temperaments of our children and how that can really play into all of these sort of normal challenges and really raising them up a notch. Right.
[00:01:46] Speaker B: I always say my youngest son was sent to me by the parent Ed God, so that I would never be a smug parent educator, you know, with an easy temperament like my first son had.
Things just went pretty smoothly with Andrew. Every decision was difficult, from his socks to that he would pick out the night before. He would pick out his socks, he would pick out his whole wardrobe, and in the morning, the sight of it would make him have a complete meltdown on the floor. Had I not actually lived this and seen it, I wouldn't believe it. But when it happened to me, I thought, oh, I get it, you know?
[00:02:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:02:28] Speaker B: And this is exhausting. It's tricky. Not everything works.
[00:02:33] Speaker A: Yes.
And so humbling.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: It's very humbling. And it was really, really great for me because I, I, I got, I got a completely different take on it and a better understanding of what many parents go through.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Because I think it is, it is hard as a teacher when you don't have your own children to not sort of fall into the trap of, you know, that the problems that the child is having is because, oh, the parents just not setting limits. They're just not saying no enough, or, you Know, and it's, it's very, it's very tempting to fall into that as a parent. I, I got my tricky child first and so. Which had, you know, its own challenges. But I was, I was also very thankful because I felt like up until that point I actually didn't understand why parents gave into tantrums. I was like, okay, come on. It's super obvious that if you've given into a tantrum, you're basically rewarding the tantrum behavior. Like, why would anybody do that? Like, I really had no idea.
But, you know, luckily, and, and funny for me, because he was my first, I thought maybe all kids were like this at home. Right. But later I realized, like, no, actually I had a pretty tricky child first who both of our boys, by the way, are doing amazing things now and are just, I mean, you were talking about the resiliency that, you know, and I think, you know, my, my son's only 16, but I think he has just so much passion for life and so many things that he's interested in and that can be, he can dive into. And I think, you know, with that tricky personality, it has its benefits, that's for sure.
[00:04:17] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:04:18] Speaker A: And you see those. But when you're parenting them as 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 year olds. Right. It can be really hard.
[00:04:26] Speaker B: It's exhausting and it's, it's a scary place to be when you don't know what to do. And so we're going to try to help you with some, some strategies that you have to practice. It's like any practice, it doesn't happen maybe on the first or second or third, but you practice it and it gets easier.
[00:04:47] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:04:47] Speaker B: So I would say the number one thing is to, especially if you have a challenging child is to expect it. For some reason I kept thinking, oh, it won't happen today. And I was constantly having, it's like having the rug pulled out from under you. And it was exhausting. So I expected it. Every morning before I got out of bed, I would say, I'm ready.
I would prime myself, you know, I'm ready for whatever comes. I'm going to handle it. I'm going to take care of this. But that's awesome because I can't have a family life that's this in such disarray, you know, So I was highly motivated to, to smooth this out and to see if we could get to a better place.
And those, those skills really help expecting it, having a plan of what you're going to do and sending a Message to yourself, you're going to handle this instead of, oh, my God, what am I going to do?
I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to.
The child who's going to have a meltdown over socks that they picked out the night before.
[00:05:53] Speaker A: Yes, yes. And expecting that. That that's going to happen again, and I'm going to be ready for it. Yeah, absolutely. And I think I remember you saying that to me when my kids were young, and I remember it being really helpful because it's also hard as a parent not to kind of get jaded or just like the. The behavior. You see it happening and you're like, oh, you know, I can stop it. There's nothing I can do. But to every day tell yourself, I'm ready for it. And I. There is. There are things that I can do. And for me, I was so glad to. Had so much experience with other people's children before becoming a parent. At least I knew that these strategies were there and that they worked on other people's children, so eventually they would work on mine. And I think we were really hoping, as we continue this podcast, to just give you the tools. We know from experience as parents that this. They may not work the first time, they may not work every time. But I think our goal is that you continue to feel empowered, that there are. There are things that you can do and there are ways that you can continue to rise up to the challenge.
[00:07:05] Speaker B: Because what we want is for you to enjoy being a parent and to have fun, and you got to build in time for fun, especially when you have challenging kids. You want to really make sure you have really fun times. But basically, we don't want you to dread.
[00:07:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: These parenting challenges. We want you to really enjoy being a parent, and your child will know that you're enjoying a parent, even if they're having a horrible tantrum.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm sure that's why, you know, as you talk about your son now and all the strengths and the resiliency and the things that he's doing with his life, like, I'm sure that he has this confidence that his mom never gave up on him. Yes. Right.
I'm sure that fueled him over the years.
[00:07:53] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Okay, so our first question. And I think this could be any child, not. Not even necessarily an extra tricky child, but just very common for children to go through a stage where they just decide that they don't have to listen to their parents.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: Well, it's the.
[00:08:11] Speaker A: No.
[00:08:11] Speaker B: The power of no yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, you could say during some of these periods you could say to a kid, do you want a chocolate ice cream cone? No.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: Because it's just no to every single ye.
[00:08:22] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think the two year old, right. Like falls into that where they just do the opposite. And I think one of the best strategies with that, like if instead of asking a 2 year old, you know, to stop banging on, you know, the glass table, you can just say to them, because if you say, oh, stop banging on the glass, they'll say no. So as much as you can, we want to say, oh, you like to bang here, bang on this pillow. And trying to like redirect that to another thing. That is a yes. Right.
[00:08:51] Speaker B: And you want to really listen to yourself and limit how many times you repeat yourself.
You want. The goal is to say it once and really teach your child to listen to you.
[00:09:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:06] Speaker B: And that's a big goal. But many parents are shocked when they've allowed themselves to be recorded, which I give them great credit. But you know, they will say it over and over and over for as, as long as 20 minutes. And then they're frustrated and they're upset.
[00:09:22] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:09:23] Speaker B: And they've, they've sat in a chair or in a sofa. They've never gotten up and redirected the child taking the spoon and like you said, take it to a pillow. And what they've unwittingly taught their child is don't listen to me.
Yeah, you don't need to listen to me because I'll just keep repeating myself.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: Yes. I love that. I think that's such an important point. And I think this first question will really help parents to understand what an alternative to that kind of just repeating yourself over and over with no results. So the parent writes in, and I believe they have a three and a half year old.
So my daughter, when she's eating snacks, she throws her snack wrapper on the ground and then refuses to pick it up when I ask her to.
And I feel like this is so common where they almost like just pretend they can't hear you in that moment.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: And parents who completely repeat the same behavior every day, in this case, the child's throwing the snap snack wrapper down and, and make no changes. Yeah, that's very frustrating for everybody.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, Einstein's definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different old. Right.
[00:10:41] Speaker B: That's exactly what it is. And so the parent here has a very clear role and that is to help her child Listen, throwing snack wrapper on the floor is not okay. That she continues to feed the child a snack with a wrapper is very interesting to me because to me, that would be the first thing I think of as well, change that.
[00:11:02] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:03] Speaker B: You know, if you're going to throw your snack wrapper on the floor, then we're not going to have that kind of snack.
But basically, there's a bigger issue here. And the child is saying, I don't have to listen to you. And the mother is like, I don't know what to do.
[00:11:16] Speaker A: And I think what's particularly hard about this situation is, like, you can't, like, physically force them to, like, pick up something. Right. So you're kind of like, you do sometimes feel a little hamstring.
[00:11:27] Speaker B: So, no. No snacks with wrappers. And you could say to this child, even though she's young, there'll be no snacks in this household with wrappers. If people throw wrappers on the floor, are you ready to have a snack where you throw the wrapper in the garbage? Yes or no.
And the child will answer. And then you are right there next to them expecting them to do the opposite. If they said yes. And you're training them that, you know, we don't litter and you have to listen to your mom or your dad, but you're not giving them multiple opportunities to not listen and to build us into a really big thing, which I can imagine how frustrated that mom is. Yeah.
But this child is really thumbing her nose at her mom, saying, I don't have to listen to you. You're going to give me the snack anyway. So what?
[00:12:15] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:12:16] Speaker B: And so you want to change it. Again, not to be punitive, not to be unkind about it, but just very clear, in this house, we don't throw our snack wrappers on the floor.
Do you want a snack with a wrapper that you will put in the garbage? Or.
Or yes or no?
[00:12:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:33] Speaker B: You know, and then I would serve a different kind of a snack that has no wrapper. Of course, she probably will throw the snack on the floor.
You have to be prepared.
[00:12:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:43] Speaker B: Be prepared. Follow through, Be firm, but kind.
And expect this.
[00:12:50] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:12:51] Speaker B: And don't let it go. Don't ignore it.
[00:12:53] Speaker A: Don't ignore it. Yeah. That's huge. I mean, I. Because it is tempting, I think, in that moment, too, to be like, oh, I'm fine. It's just like. Like, it's just a rapper. I guess I'll just clean it up. Right. And so. But it's those little Things that end up being the big.
[00:13:10] Speaker B: That totally erodes the child's respect of the parent.
[00:13:16] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:13:16] Speaker B: Have to listen, because you are not gonna.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: Yes. And then you're in a more serious situation, like your child is running into the street or, you know, doing.
Climbing something super dangerous when you're out and they're not, you know. So I think it's really hard for parents to understand that these little things are important.
But like you said, if we don't follow through on these little things, it erodes the child's trust in us that they. That they have to listen to us at all.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: Well, occasionally I would have kids in my office who really were testing the waters and the teacher needed a break, and they would look at me like, adults are stupid. You're not going to ever follow through.
I. I don't have to listen to. And when I would say to them, I care about you more than anything.
You're the most important person here right now.
When you're ready, you let me know. But nothing is going to happen until you're ready. So it's time in not a timeout. They're sitting with you, and they can take as long as they want. I have all day.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:14:18] Speaker B: And when once the light bulb goes off of like, oh, my God, this adult actually means what they say. Most kids very quickly are like, okay, you don't have to punish them. You don't have to have a consequence. I would move away from consequences, which can make everything very complicated.
[00:14:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:37] Speaker B: And then we just go pick up the wrapper and. Yeah. I don't have to say now, never do that again. And you can't. Yeah, I know I do any of that.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: I think that was one of the best things that I ever learned from you as a parent was just that I'm gonna wait for you to be ready.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:54] Speaker A: Right. Yeah. And.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: And the child isn't running around and playing.
[00:14:58] Speaker A: Right.
[00:14:58] Speaker B: They're not being punished, but they're sitting near you.
[00:15:00] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. And I think in this situation, you know, I need you to pick up your snack wrapper.
Like, pretending not to hear or just. Or saying, I don't want to. I. You know, I love when they're three, and instead of no, it's like, no, thank you, Mom.
Right.
All right. That's okay. I don't want to pick it up. And you're like, let me rephrase that.
But I think just, okay, well, I'll. I'll sit with you, and I'll wait for you to be ready. And sometimes that was A really quick. I mean, I think there is an initial, like if, if they're not.
They don't know that you're actually going to wait for them to be ready. So. And yeah, if they're, if they're not used to this or it's the first time, there may be a testing period.
[00:15:47] Speaker B: Right. So you expect that they might run away, that they're not going to just sit there and meanwhile, I'm reading or doing something. I'm not just staring at them, but I'm close by in case they need help. And then I would gently but firmly pick them up, put them back in the chair, saying, you know, I really mean business. I mean what I say. We're going to wait here until you're ready to do what I asked you to do. And that because that's so important, that you be a girl that listens to her teachers, that you be a girl that helps keep our school clean or whatever it is. And most kids, after the initial, like, yeah, right. Adults are stupid. Look at me like, oh, wait a second, you really mean this. And they say, I'm ready. And I'm like, great. And then we go and pick up the paper and they're ready to go. They do not need to be moralized.
They don't need to be punished.
[00:16:41] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:42] Speaker B: They have changed their behavior. And that's your goal.
[00:16:46] Speaker A: Absolutely. Absolutely. Great.
All right, well, let's go to our next question, which is my child refuses to get his shoes on when it's time to leave the house. And I feel like at that point in the morning, I have zero patience left.
Yeah. And I think this, this can happen at any point in the morning routine where there's just all of a sudden a refusal to, like you said, put on the socks. A refusal tower.
[00:17:16] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, to absolutely derail a whole morning.
So what you want to do is not have that happen. And to say, the child, you know, the car's leaving at 7:30.
If your shoes aren't on, we'll be taking your shoes to school and you'll put them on at school.
So you're giving them a little bit of warning, but you're not getting into a big.
Just stating it simply. At 7:30 you pick up the child. If you. They won't walk out and you pick up the shoes.
[00:17:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: And you know, we've had kids at the school, the parents bring the child in the pajamas and a bag of clothing. This is not done to humiliate the child.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:55] Speaker B: The mother, our father, have to get to Work or drop other kids at school and it's just a matter we have to leave.
If you're not ready, we'll have to leave. And you'll have to finish dressing at school. Of course. Check with your school to make sure that they're okay with that. And again, it's not a punishment. You're not lecturing and moralizing to him or her on the way to school.
[00:18:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Most kids, one time. Yeah. It's like taking a kid in a grocery store and having them start screaming.
[00:18:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: And parents are like, don't talk, here's a lollipop, whatever.
[00:18:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:29] Speaker B: Walk out.
[00:18:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:31] Speaker B: One time. That's usually all it takes. Again here. But you're doing it calmly. You're not doing it angrily or yelling at the kid.
[00:18:38] Speaker A: Right.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Furious with the kid. You're just again, prepared and anticipating and expecting behavior.
[00:18:45] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: That's their job, to test you.
[00:18:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: And it's your job to be effective.
[00:18:51] Speaker A: Absolutely.
I'm hearing like another follow up question in my mind, which is like, what if, you know, maybe you have the baby with you and you can't pick up the child and you know, without their shoes on and they have to walk down Mission street or something to get to the car. Like, what is another strategy there if you don't have that option to just pick them up and put them in? Like, say, I'm gonna, you know, have.
[00:19:18] Speaker B: You can give them a choice. You can say you can put on your shoes or I will.
And that may or may not work.
[00:19:26] Speaker A: And you can also try the. Okay, I'm gonna wait for you to be ready even though you know you.
[00:19:31] Speaker B: But you in the morning, that goes out the window because most people have to go to work or you have to take a child somewhere. So the waiting only works if you really truly can.
[00:19:42] Speaker A: Yeah, that's true.
[00:19:43] Speaker B: So you don't want to bring that up if you can't follow through.
[00:19:45] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:19:46] Speaker B: But the choice, do you want to put on your shoes or do you want me to?
And then that's it. You don't repeat that.
And if they put the shoes on, great, you're done. You don't have to say a word if they don't, you pick them up somehow.
[00:20:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:02] Speaker B: Get good at holding two kids.
[00:20:04] Speaker A: And I also think, like giving them a choice. Or you can turn it into a little bit of a game. Like, let's see how fast you can get your shoes on. Let's see if you can get your shoes on by the time I count to 10. Let's see if you can get your shoes on before mom gets her shoes on. You know, things like that can work as far as, like, they can.
[00:20:20] Speaker B: Unless you've got a really belligerent kid. And those things, I'm not saying not to try them, but again, you're prepared for things that don't work.
[00:20:29] Speaker A: Yes, totally. And I think, yeah, like you said, ultimately being, being prepared to say, okay, well, we'll, we're not going to engage in this battle. Yeah, I'm going to pick you up and we're gonna put them on at school. Right.
Okay. So the next one I say, if I say no to my child for anything like you can't have yogurt before dinner, she throws herself on the floor screaming.
I think also very common at, at this age to respond to the no with the tantrum.
[00:21:07] Speaker B: Yeah. So expect a lot of tantrums. Don't be worried by them, don't be afraid of them.
In your mind you're going, oh, there, here it comes, here comes a tantrum. And you're kind, but you're not giving in. If you give in and give the yogurt, then the next day you will have a much larger tantrum. So you're saying, oh, you're very upset. You could name the feeling. Oh, I see you're sewing angry. You love to have yogurt before dinner. But you can definitely talk about feelings and say, wow, you are, you love yogurt and you want yogurt before dinner and you just sort of repeat that. But you're not giving in.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And I think if you can, like do it earlier before they get to the full. Yeah, tantrum, then you can use one of those, like fulfill the wish and fantasy.
[00:21:57] Speaker B: You can try to say, oh, what flavor is your favorite? How many yogurts would you eat before you.
[00:22:02] Speaker A: Or let's write a note that says you're gonna have yogurt, you know, as soon as you wake up in the morning. Yes, yes.
[00:22:08] Speaker B: Writing. Writing things out is great.
[00:22:10] Speaker A: Yeah. But once they're in that full on tantrum mode and you're feeling tempted to just make it stop. I think just remembering to, like, you said you really wanted yogurt, you really wanted yogurt. You're so sad that I said no, you couldn't have yogurt right now.
And remembering that, this seems small. Right. But what we're doing is establishing our trust with the child that mom's not going to change her mind. Mom can handle my big feelings. Right.
She is more stable than I am. Yeah.
[00:22:48] Speaker B: And it's that great quote, parents, responsibility is to the child's well being, not to their happiness. Yeah, that's a good mantra.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Because in that moment, like the yogurt will make you happy. Right. But what we're trying to do is say we know as a parent we have a developed prefrontal cortex. We know that if they have yogurt that's right before dinner that they're not going to eat their meal. And so, you know, they, the child doesn't know that. So my husband and I used to joke like, I am your prefrontal cortex. But you know, we have to kind of step in and make those decisions, you know, for their well being, not just for their happiness. But I think it seems like a small thing and I think that's where a lot of times as parents we get tripped up as like, well, I guess yogurt is healthy. I mean, it does have protein in it. I guess it's not that big of a deal. Maybe it's okay.
Yeah. I mean, maybe you can talk a little bit more like, why not? Like what, what happens when we change our mind?
[00:23:49] Speaker B: Right. We're not saying that a parent can never change their mind.
[00:23:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:23:53] Speaker B: They can. And as we said, if, if the consequences hurting the parent more than the child.
[00:23:59] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think I, I think it's confusing. Sometimes parents hear this message of like, choose your battles. And, and I think that can be really complicated for parents because they think it means like choose your battles as in if you say no to something, like if you said no more yogurt and your child has a big reaction, then, you know, choose your battles. It's just yogurt. It's not that big of a deal. And then the next time it's like, okay, you know, you said no. They can't watch another episode. They have a big reaction. You know, it's only a three minute episode. It's not that big of a deal feel. So I think that message of choose your battles is really confusing. It's something that I noticed.
[00:24:40] Speaker B: Yeah. And it can be really dangerous because.
[00:24:42] Speaker A: Really dangerous.
[00:24:42] Speaker B: What you just described, then the parent really loses any credibility.
[00:24:47] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And I think what is a better interpretation of choose your battles is like before you say you can't have any more yogurt, really think about that. Right. Like think about that. You know, do I want to say no to the yogurt or do I want to say yes but once I've already said no?
That's not a time to choose your battles. 90 90% of the time once you've said it, you know, there's like that 10% where you might. But it, I'm telling you that 10% can become 20, can become, you know, 30, 50. And when you get, when you start getting closer to 50% of the time, you're changing your mind. Well, of course, the child has no way of trusting what you're saying that, you know, of course every time you say something, they're going to think that they probably can get you to change your mind. Right.
[00:25:39] Speaker B: If I only scream loud enough and have a big enough tantrum, then I'll get what I want. And that is not the message you want to send your child. I know for sure.
[00:25:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And again, like, you know, having been parents and you know, I'm still a parent, but like having this experience with, with children and knowing how that feels to be in the middle of that tantrum, like, we, we totally get it.
And I think that's where you have to like, really play that long game as a parent. Right. And say this, this moment is going to be harder. But if I, if I lose credibility with my child, the. Our whole lives are gonna be harder.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yeah. And you, and you're not teaching your child the life skills that they need to really have a happy life.
[00:26:36] Speaker A: Yeah. Why, I mean, what, what is the connection there?
[00:26:40] Speaker B: Well, because they, you know, will be going off to school, either preschool or elementary school if they feel like they don't have to listen to the teacher. Teaching adults are stupid and you don't have to listen to them, which is a, not a good, not a good lesson. So for many, many reasons. Plus you're not building self esteem. And again with self esteem, it's. You're. I believe in you. I am here for you. Nothing is more important.
And I want, I love you so much.
I want you to be a boy that listens. And, and that's from Jane Nelson's incredible book.
And I love you so much should be your mantra. I love you so much. I'm not going to let you have yogurt before dinner because then you won't eat a good dinner. I love you so much. I'm going to help you be a girl that listens and picks up her wrapper off the floor.
[00:27:32] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I think, as you said before, it actually does show our children that we love them when we take the time to set those.
[00:27:40] Speaker B: Oh, it's very securitizing. Adult. Somebody's in charge.
I'm not in charge.
[00:27:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:46] Speaker B: Person really loves me. So much that they're gonna really follow through and be there for me. And so it's just, I think, expecting. Not being so shocked by the behavior.
[00:27:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: And following through the best that you can.
[00:28:02] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:03] Speaker B: Careful of consequences. Because some parents are consequencing, like if you do that, you won't get, let's say, Christmas presents. You don't want to have a consequence that is gonna. Yeah. End up being really terrible for your family. So try to move away from consequences. If you do this, then this.
[00:28:22] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, I mean, for example, in, you know, the example with the snack wrapper, if you had said, okay, if you don't pick up your snack wrapper, then you're not having dessert tonight. Yeah. All you're doing is setting yourself up for another tantrum.
[00:28:37] Speaker B: Yeah. Right.
[00:28:39] Speaker A: Now you have. Have this problem, and now you have another problem.
[00:28:42] Speaker B: And they're not related. They don't make sense.
[00:28:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:44] Speaker B: They're not logical.
[00:28:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:46] Speaker B: I mean, a logical consequence would be if you don't put your shoes on, we're not going to be able to go to the park.
[00:28:51] Speaker A: Yeah. And.
[00:28:52] Speaker B: Or, you know, if you don't put your pajamas on and get in bed, we're not going to read stories. That's a logical consequence. These other consequences where you're going way out of the game to make it end up really mostly disturbing the parents. Yeah. Well.
[00:29:05] Speaker A: And in the moment, they feel powerful. And sometimes they may work. Right. Like sometimes the child might. Might jump down and pick up her snack wrapper if you say that. But you're setting yourself up for the time when the child's like, that's okay, I don't want dessert. And then, you know, then what do you have? So then you're actually. It feels like you're getting power back, but you're actually, you've given your power away to the dessert or the screen time or whatever it is.
[00:29:29] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:29:30] Speaker A: So that's why I think, you know, we keep coming back to this idea of just problem solving with a child sitting with them saying, I really want. Like, I really believe that you can do this, and I'm gonna wait for you until you can. Or I believe that you can handle not having the yogurt before dinner. And, you know, you are. You're sending such a positive message to your child that you believe they can handle a disappointment.
[00:29:57] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:29:57] Speaker A: Which is a huge gift. Right.
[00:29:59] Speaker B: Huge gift. Right.
[00:30:02] Speaker A: So again, I think even though they seem little and it seems like, oh, this is probably a battle, I don't need to fight if you can remember that the choosing your battles really should most of the time, like 98% of the time only apply to the battle to saying, to not saying no in the first place. But don't choose your battle after you've already said no.
Then you just, you need to, need to, you need to follow through. Right, Right. I see you really want more yogurt. It's so hard not to have yogurt and just waiting, knowing it's going to be over. The tantrum. You know, I always like to tell parents that the tantrum actually follows a pattern where a child gets really, really angry and then it kind of peaks and they get the angriest and then they get sad.
And if you actually know that pattern, you can kind of wait for that moment when it turns from anger to sorrow and you know, you're on the downhill and you're like, okay, I'm almost there. And then when that is over, they will 100% be ready to.
Would you like a carrot?
[00:31:10] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:31:11] Speaker A: You know, so they will 100% be ready to change gears. It's like nothing ever happened. They don't even remember. Right, right. But, but meanwhile, you've taught them this really important lesson that they can handle disappointment, that they can trust you to keep them safe life, that you're not going to change your mind based on their feelings.
[00:31:31] Speaker B: Right, right.
[00:31:32] Speaker A: So many things here in just these very little examples.
[00:31:35] Speaker B: A rich learning experience.
[00:31:38] Speaker A: Yes, yes. And yeah, parenting is, is full of those. And obviously we're not going to be perfect, but I think just trying to, to remind ourselves over and over how important the small moments of parenting.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: Absolutely, absolutely.
[00:31:55] Speaker A: Can make the bigger moments so much easier too.
[00:31:57] Speaker B: Yes.
All right.
[00:31:59] Speaker A: Awesome. Well, thank you, thank you.
[00:32:01] Speaker B: That was very, very fun and I look forward to more.
[00:32:05] Speaker A: Absolutely. Thank you so much for listening to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens where your personal parenting journey matters and your questions are always welcome. If you've enjoyed today's podcast, we'd love it. If you'd like, subscribe, leave a rating and review and share this podcast with a friend. It really helps others find us and supports the work we are doing to support parents near and far. Check out the show notes, leave your parenting questions in the comments or head to our dedicated webpage earlychildhoodmatters.org podcast. There you can find even more resources and ways to stay connected. If you like our podcast, check out our full list of in person classes and support groups in San Francisco and on demand parenting classes on our site. And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Instagram to stay in the loop. Until then, take care and remember your parenting matters. And in case no one has told you lately, you are a wonderful parent and you're doing a wonderful job.
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