Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to Parenting Matters Real Talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco, here to answer your parenting questions from the early years through adolescence. We started this podcast to help you raise resilient, confident kids and teens and to give you practical tools that can increase your confidence, effectiveness and your joy in parenting.
This is Real Talk where we share multiple strategies because every child is unique and we always explore what to try when just nothing else seems to be working.
So let's get real and let's get to it.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Hello, Parenting Matters listeners. Thanks for joining me today on this Thanksgiving week. I am really excited to just share a couple things on my heart with you all on gratitude and Thanksgiving and then that really commercial holiday that follows Thanksgiving. And this year it's really sort of hitting me how the juxtaposition between gratitude and being grateful for what we have and following that by this holiday that really encourages us to, to acquire and to buy more and more and more. And I just wanted to share with you a couple of things that we've done as a family over the years to really encourage a spirit of gratitude and to approach the holiday gift giving season with some of those concepts still in mind. I do like a good Black Friday sale, I'm not going to lie. But I just wanted to share a couple of ways that we've tried to kind of discourage materialism and consumption throughout the holidays in our family. So a note on gratitude. I remember one of my first teaching jobs out of college was in the Czech Republic. I had moved there and helped open an ESL preschool and I had all of these Czech children in my classroom and the owner was Canadian and so she wanted us to do a unit on Thanksgiving and we really focused on the gratitude piece. Well, it was really interesting because the children had never really been asked what they were thankful for and it was really hard to translate that into Czech. And it really dawned on me in that moment that gratitude and being thankful for something maybe isn't something that a three year old or a four year old or a two year old would naturally understand.
And so in that moment I was really thankful for our tradition in North America of Thanksgiving and that as from a very young age, we bring this concept to mind for our children and ask them to think about what they're grateful for. Well, so I, I realized that the way that I framed the question was really important in helping children to get to what they were thankful for. And I found this over the years working with, with Children who are in the. In North America as well.
What if you ask a child what they're thankful for? It is kind of an abstract concept. So I've tried to ask more specific questions over the years, like who are some people that you love? What makes you happy? What. What are some things that bring you joy or happiness? What are some things that you love? And, you know, always starting with the people first, of course. And those are often the most treasured answers. But also thinking about things that make them happy can lead children to say, I'm thankful for the climbing structure at my school or I' thankful for bubbles. Right. So I think those are really good questions to help children think about what they're grateful for. And in our family over the years, I've always put out leaves at the table sort of as place cards, and on the front would have the adult or child's name, and on the back would be the question, what are you grateful for this year? Or again, using those guiding questions that I just mentioned, for younger children, with the younger children, I've obviously worked with them using those questions I mentioned before to answer that question. And over the years, I've been able to save these leaves from year to year. And it's been just a wonderful, almost family heirloom now of all of these leaves. And to go back and see the answers from when they were two or three or five. And of course, those things, they do shift. The people remain the same mostly, although sometimes they are thankful for different friends in their lives. So in the end, I've had this beautiful treasury box of gratitude and also different people that we've invited to our Thanksgiving dinner over the years, their leaves are in this box or on this tree. And it's just really beautiful to go back and look at these things. And often my nieces and nephews or cousins and watching their children grow up over the years and their gratitudes shifting and changing with their age. So anyway, that's been a really special tradition that I wanted to share with you all. And next I wanted to just talk to you a little bit about how do we, how do we as parents sort of find this juxtaposition between this holiday that cultivates gratitude for what we have and the, the Black Friday and then the holiday season, if we, if we go in the wrong direction with it can really encourage us to spend and acquire, of course. And we have a couple articles on ways to really focus the holidays on spending time together as a family. I think for me, one of the things I'm Most proud of right now as a parent is that all of my children's favorite holiday is Christmas. And I'm proud of that because I think what we've done as a family is to really create some magical moments without it being too stressful or overwhelming, to create some moments where the traditions of cookie decorating, of going to the gingerbread house downtown, driving around and seeing the lights, like, those things I really treasure as part of this whole holiday season. And I think those are the things that really make Christmas magical. And so if, as a parent, you can shift your mind away from this idea that Christmas morning, morning is the be all and end all, and that has to be where all the magic happens when they open these presents. Certainly for my children, I found that the magic happens throughout the season. But also remembering that those traditions, there can be a couple of, like, key things that you do every year I think is really nice, but not trying to overdo it and thinking, every year I need to also make cookies and also make ornaments and also go to this holiday train and also go to holiday event at this place, and da, da, da.
So we can definitely overload the holiday season for our children, wanting to create all those magical memories for them. But really my advice would be to just have a few key cornerstone things that you do every year and then let the other things kind of come, come in and out. As it works for your family schedule, as it works for your children's age, really try to resist the pressure that you have to do everything every year, because the reality is it's going to be too.
And it can create that stress that we don't want our holiday to sort of be overwhelmed with those things. And also, my children have really enjoyed celebrating Hanukkah, as my father was Jewish, my mother was Christian, so we kind of celebrated both holidays in our family. And it's been really nice to keep that tradition. And I feel like some of the Jewish holidays and rituals, they do such a better job of focusing on the ritual. So for my kids, yes, they get a small Hanukkah present. We try to keep them very small because they're also doing Christmas.
But it's interesting how much they love Hanukkah. And it's the ritual there, right? It's the candles, it's playing dreidel, it's the smell of the latkes. Like, they love all of those things. And I think sometimes the rituals of the Jewish tradition can really remind us that it's not just the gifts. It's really what draws children into the holidays is the ritual behind them. So those are two things to kind of focus on as you move through your holiday season. And of course, bringing your own religious traditions into those and leaning into those, if you have them, can make the holiday really special. And if you don't, leaning into the traditions of giving to others, of finding a holiday gift tree, including your children from a very early age, in picking out gifts for a toy collection for the holidays, you can find those almost everywhere. But really including your children in that tradition of what do you think children that may not get so many gifts for Christmas or for the holidays, what do you think that they would enjoy? And let's think together about that as a family and have them help you pick them out. As hard as that seems for young children to understand the concept of, you know, picking out a gift for somebody else, I think it's really worth going through that process. Even if there are a few tiers, you know, maybe the next time they do it, they'll understand that concept a little bit more. You know, volunteering here in San Francisco, you know, signing up to volunteer at Glide as a family as your children get a little older. I believe the minimum age is eight there, but you can also volunteer at the food bank as early as four at the SF Marin Food bank here in the city. So there are lots of opportunities and ways to get involved. And I think, again, focusing on those things around the holiday season can really help nurture the spirit of Christmas, of Hanukkah, in ways that can really nurture the spirit of the holidays in ways that really do become special for our children over the years, but don't necessarily focus on the gifts. So. So those are a couple of things. On the magic. Again, focusing the magic on the holiday season versus Christmas morning has really helped me as a parent. But all that to say we do put some gifts, like I said, under the tree or at or around the menorah each year. And so I, I really wanted to share with you the way that I've approached that and something that, again, I think I'm really proud of as a, as a parent looking back, I. I remember the first time when my son was nearly three and he sat on Santa's lap for the first time and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas. And I remember Joey just kind of looking around and looking at me and not really knowing how to answer that question. And many of you with 2 year olds have probably experienced the same thing. You know, I mean, I never asked him what he wanted for Christmas. And I kind of forgot that that was part of that sitting on Santa's lap moment that he would even ask him what he wanted. And I just remember that look in his eyes of not knowing. And I feel like that's such a beautiful moment in childhood where they are actually not yet wired to think about what they don't have and they feel totally satisfied with what's around them. And so I remember his answer was after looking around and not sure what to say, he said, I want a Santa Claus. And. And so that year I ended up getting him this small stuffed Santa Claus toy along with some other things that I'll share in a moment. But again, I think the innocence of not knowing that you need things to, to be happy. And not having a list for Santa, I personally think the list for Santa kind of moves the holiday tradition in the wrong direction. We have done it over the.
Because it's kind of everywhere and hard to avoid. But I always tell my children that, that Santa doesn't get you everything on the list, that maybe Santa will get you one or two things at the most. That if Santa got you everything on the list, how would he bring toys to all the children in the world? So I tried to really instill this tradition going back to that moment. I think it's a really beautiful moment. And if we can keep that, that moment of I don't need so much in my life to be happy, it's a beautiful gift that we can give to our children. So, okay, so how we've handled holiday gifts and, and also for that matter, birthday gifts over the years, we do have an article and in the article all we have more details and more specific gift ideas. But I just want to kind of give a general overview of how I've approached it. So the easiest way that I mostly avoided lots of toy clutter as a parent was to think of our home plat play space as a classroom. And I tried to only buy toys for my children that I would find in high quality early childhood educational setting. And we know that children learn through play. So thinking consciously about the toys that we provide instead of buying every latest and greatest toy not only helps to teach your child the value of simplicity, but also shapes their imagination, creativity and independence in play.
So the basic rules that I tried to follow that again, being a teacher and knowing what children play with was to think of our home environment of the different areas of a classroom. So in a high quality preschool program, you would have a blocks and manipulative station, you would have a dramatic play station, you would have arts and crafts area, you would have some active play or gross motor area.
You would have a science and sensory area. You may have a literacy board games area as well.
So, so the basic rules are to avoid toys tied to media. Not only will your child's obsession with a character likely fade quickly, these toys are often made more quickly and cheaply than a quality toy. And research suggests that children are more scripted and less imaginative and often more violent with toys that are tied to media.
If you do, if your child is really into something and you really want something tied to a show or a book that they are really into, I would encourage you to at the most just get like the little action figures but really try to avoid all of the sets and all of the things. And again, these toys are usually plastic. They're usually often going to break, they're often going to phase out. When I look at the toys on our, our toy list, these are toys that have stood the test of time. I actually, aside from a couple of things that you could add within each category, I wouldn't change almost anything on this toy list that was actually written back in 2018.
Another thing to avoid is toys that light up, make noise or just do too much. These toys can often be overstimulating from a sensory perspective and they also reduce active participation in your child's play and are usually on the first to break or be forgotten list. So as tempting as it is to buy those flashy toys, they a create a lot of noise in your environment as a parent. So you may be the first to get rid of them. But they also tend to do too much. You know, they have buttons and they press them. So look for classic or wooden toys whenever possible and stick to toys where imagination and action is not included but must be added by the child. The other thing we want to avoid is one dimensional toys. A complicated pirate ship will always be a pirate ship. Those things, the child will play with them for a few days or a few weeks or a few months maybe at most and then they're kind of, they're over that toy. They, they've already done everything that that toy can do. So when possible give Lego or other open ending building materials like magnetiles and we have again a list in the link of different but you know, duplos and magnetiles and things that the child can build with will literally grow with your child for so long. In fact, I just went over to a friend's house this weekend. They have, they have two boys, twins and were Friends with, with my son in preschool, and they're now in fourth grade. And it was so beautiful. And I'm going to put a link to the photo to see that they still have this entire section of magnets and building with magnets, and they even had some Duplo in there. And they're in fourth grade. But, you know, these building materials, they will grow with your child. And so one of the things that I really encourage you to do is your use the holidays and birthdays for that matter, to build up your collection. So every year these dads would actually give the boys a new set of Magna Tiles. Magna Tiles are pretty expensive, but if you give a new set every year, or maybe twice a year at most, pretty soon your child has enough Magna Tiles to build something really amazing and fantastic. We did a similar thing with blocks. You know, we would buy a new set of blocks or sometimes I would find them secondhand even. But my son played with blocks from the time he was two. I'm talking wooden, classic blocks all the way until he was seven years old. And he again, the creations just got more and more elaborate. But having enough of that, if you just have a tiny set of blocks, you know that that fits into a small box, your child really can't do all that much. So again, I would focus on our toy collection being, you know, working with children in a preschool environment. Of course, we had huge sets of blocks and huge sets of Magna Tiles, and I would see what children would do with those with those sets once they had that space. So again, using the holidays to. Instead of buying all of these, you know, whizzy and frizzy and commercially tied toys that the child is just going to cast away using that. Those holiday and that spending intentionally to buy more sets of building materials. Kiva Planks is another thing. If your child is in the. I would say three and a half and up. Kiva planks are an amazing toy. And again, the more sets they have, the more they can do, the deeper they can go with their play. So before you buy, it's really important to ask yourself, you know, imagine your child playing with this in six months, in a year, or in two years, and ask yourself if the toy will grow with my child. And the second thing is to think about, you know, these curriculum areas that I mentioned before. Which area is your child most drawn to? And to buy toys in that area, but also buy things in areas that they may not be as drawn to. And that's the beauty of a preschool classroom, is that all children, you know, have the opportunity to play in these different areas.
And we find that as it turns out, you know, a child that really loves building also really enjoys the dramatic play area and putting on these costumes and making whimsical outfits out of these scarves. And it turns out that the child that really loves to play house and is really into that also, if you give her enough trains, she loves the train sets.
So be sure that you're not just focusing on gender specific toys and you know, certainly consider a train set for your daughter and a baby doll and a stroller for your son. I cannot tell you how much all two or three two and three year olds love a baby stroller. So it's a great gift. So again, you can find more of these ideas in the link below, but I want to just quickly go through some of the, the curriculum areas again. So for blocks and manipulatives we talk, you know, wooden blocks you can add, animals you can add, you can do a marble run castle blocks or town blocks and of course Magna tiles and Kiva planks and Duplos and Duplo animal sets if they're younger for dramatic play, you might think about all the multiple doctor's kits they have available. Again, higher quality one is going to be last a bit longer. Of course, a wooden play kitchen and kitchen toys is a beautiful gift idea.
Baby dolls and really thinking about a diversity in your ethnic and gender appearances as a way of providing both a mirror and a window for your child's own experience.
Babydoll's collection can be a great way to do that.
Silk wings and silk scarves are a great idea. And another curriculum area is the arts and crafts. So we have everything from toddler sized crayons do it dots, you could do an easel quality oil pastel and we have a lot of other things on that list too.
[00:22:21] Speaker A: But.
[00:22:21] Speaker B: And pipe cleaners, I cannot tell you. One year before Christmas, my, my daughter and my youngest, they were probably maybe, I don't know, 7 and 4, let's say they spent about three hours with all these different color of pipe cleaners and they had turned the pipe cleaners into different kinds of candy and they had made a candy store out of pipe cleaners and they played for three hours this game that only required pipe cleaners. And I remember thinking at the time, wow, I should just take back all of their holiday gifts because really all they need is some pipe cleaner. So remember that as you go through this holiday. Remember to keep it simple. Okay? Another area of an early child curriculum is Gross motor. Those. You know, the holidays can be a great time to get a balance bike for your child. I do prefer these to scooters because they do teach balance in a way that a scooter does not. But of course the scooters are really fun and can make walks with families and walks to the park so much more pleasurable and quicker for families. So that can be another great gift. But if you don't have a balance bike, I really encourage you to do that as well. Another thing that's been on my holiday gift list for children for many years, it's a Radio Flyer rocking horse. Especially great if you have a child that just has a lot of energy and if you have a space where you can't always access outdoor. There is something about the vestibular and proprioceptive input that you can get on a kind of old school Radio Flyer rocking horse. Not like a wooden one, but just the one that actually has the springs. And we have a lot of more ideas for both indoors and outdoor items on this list. And then finally, you know, you can think science and sensory. So that can be anything from Aaron's thinking putty to the knee do, which is a brand of squishy kind of toys. But you can also do things like a sensory table or a sensory bin and science kits as your children get older. You know the dig it up things, every little bit popular. Grow your own butterflies was a fun present one year. The root view farm and even an ant farm. So there's a lot of things in the science. And again, check out the list. And then of course, books, right? And we have a list of some of our favorite books here. Books can make wonderful holiday gifts. And also I recommend if you have family members that are asking what you want, some of the more expensive books on your list you could ask your family members to to give books. And building up your child's book collection is one of the most powerful things that we can do. Another area of curriculum is music. And so, you know, just thinking about building up their music collection and things like egg shakers, tambourines, harmonicas, a quality mini piano, ukuleles, you know, things that are not going to be too loud for your home, but that can be really fun additions. So those are kind of all of the basic early childhood curriculum areas. And again, really for me, one of the best things I think that I did was to not buy a toy for my child if it didn't fit into one of those categories. And it really helped us to have toys that lasted throughout their childhood that they were continued to be drawn to to connect with and that didn't end up just tons of clutter, broken and unwanted toys. Last but not least, I just wanted to highlight experiences and again but another thing you can ask family members to do is to give a museum membership. You know, maybe a class that you're interested in. You can certainly have them gift an Early Childhood Matters Explorers Outdoor Playgroup, which is our very fun nature group or other classes that you might be interested in. It can be so fun for your child to have a gift that that keeps on going like that. And we also again have a list of some board games and we have a special list for kids five and up. So be sure to check out the whole toy list if you have family members or grandparents that are asking what you want. Another thing you can ask family members to do is to give a museum membership, maybe a class that you're interested in. You can certainly have them gift An Early Childhood Matters Explorers Outdoor Playgroup, which is our very fun nature group or other classes that you might be interested in. These are the people that can be really tempted into those media tied toys or into the the toys that just look like we have in our heads those presents that are just going to wow them on Christmas morning. And if we can move away from that idea, realize that the holidays are an entire season of magical moments. It is not just Christmas morning that needs to be magical and really think about toys that they're going to play with and that are going to last. But again, really enjoy the season. Try not to get trapped in the magic of the morning, but the magic of the season and give gifts that will grow and last with your children and enjoy these moments together as a family as much as you can and try to reduce any stress or guilt that things have to be perfect and just be present. Your children will remember most about this holiday season and is just those moments of being together. So enjoy and happy holidays from all of us at Early Childhood Matters and the Parenting Matters podcast.
[00:28:10] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens where your personal parenting journey matters and your questions are always welcome.
If you've enjoyed today's podcast, we'd love it. If you'd like, subscribe, leave a rating and review and share this podcast with a friend. It really helps others find us and supports the work we are doing to support parents near and far. Check out the show notes, leave your parenting questions in the comments or head to our dedicated webpage earlychildhoodmatters.org podcast there you can find even more resources and ways to stay connected.
If you like our podcast, check out our full list of in person classes and support groups in San Francisco and on demand parenting classes on our site. Use code parenting matters 15 all caps for 15% off off. And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and and don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Instagram to stay in the loop.
Take care and remember your parenting Matters. And in case no one has told you lately, you are a wonderful parent and you're doing a wonderful job.
I can tell because you took the time to listen to this podcast.
