Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Parenting Matters. Real Talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco, and I'm joined by my longtime mentor and co host, Belan Gioreto.
Together, we're here to answer your parenting questions from the early years through adolescence. As seasoned and humble parents and early childhood educators, we bring over 50 years of combined experience in teaching, directing, and coaching parents.
We started this podcast to help you raise resilient, confident kids and teens and to give you practical tools that can increase your confidence, effectiveness, and your joy in parenting.
This is Real Talk where we share multiple strategies because every child is unique, and we always explore what to try when just nothing else seems to be working.
So let's get real, and let's get to it.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: All right, well, welcome back, everybody. We got a lot of great feedback on our first two sibling episodes, and we got some more questions in, and so we wanted to spend another episode answering these final questions for you all. Very good.
So I think we could probably do several episodes about this because.
[00:01:34] Speaker A: You know.
[00:01:34] Speaker B: As we talked about before, the sibling things are endless. But. But I think we've got some great core questions answered in the last episode, and I think these last three questions we have will really give a pretty good foundation.
[00:01:46] Speaker C: Okay, let's hear them.
[00:01:48] Speaker B: So the first one is one that I've heard a lot, actually, from families, which is this idea of the. The siblings sort of teaming up against the.
Against the parents.
So this parent writes in. Bedtime has been a total circus lately. One will. One will be going to brush his teeth, and then the younger one will decide to do a nudie run, and then the older one who was originally on task will follow.
They are starting to figure out that they can team up against me. Oh, my.
[00:02:22] Speaker C: Tricky, tricky.
[00:02:24] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, I think there could be a few different ways to approach this. Right?
[00:02:29] Speaker C: Yeah. I mean, one. One idea, depending on the age of your children, is to have different bedtimes, to not try to do this all in one fell swoop. And for some reason, a lot of parents think that they have to put their kids to bed at the same time, to be fair, where the children's age difference really doesn't warrant that. Yeah. So, you know, it can be reading time for the older child, you know, in the living room or in a different room while you're getting the younger one to bed. But, yeah, doing two at once kind of invites that type of. Of.
[00:03:04] Speaker B: That's so true.
[00:03:05] Speaker C: Team tag.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:03:07] Speaker C: And separating them is important. I. I Think, too. Having a family meeting that the day before when you're very calm and just say, last night was horrible.
You were running away, you were running nude. Whatever the issue is, you know, you were. You're not getting ready for bed, and we can't have that. So let's make a list of the things that we're going to do that are going to be fun at night, but only if people cooperate and listen and so let them participate, you know? How many stories do you want read? Oh, four stories. Okay. And two songs. Whatever your. Whatever comes up. But that. That will only happen if there's a smooth bedtime. But try not putting them to bed at the same time. I think it. It asks.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: Yeah, especially if it asks for that. Yeah, especially if you're like one on two in that moment, which we often find ourselves in.
Yeah. Separating. I think I used to do that where I would tell my oldest, like, hey, you get to have some extra book time tonight. So you can go into, you know, your room or, you know, if they're sharing a room, go into the living room and read some books.
I know a lot of you now have the Yoda, which I think I didn't have that when I was parenting my young children. But it's this, like, audio storybook. And you can put different, like, basically books in and it will read.
[00:04:32] Speaker C: Oh, well, we had the cassette player.
[00:04:35] Speaker B: Yeah, that's right.
[00:04:36] Speaker C: I would not have made it through.
[00:04:38] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:38] Speaker C: That time without the cassette. And the. The issue with it was that no mention of sleeping.
You just have to stay in your bed. You can listen to as many story tapes as you want. And. And you teach them how. You know, in those days, we had to teach them how to use it.
[00:04:57] Speaker B: Night and day difference was that for now napping.
[00:05:00] Speaker C: That was for anything but for. For nighttime.
[00:05:03] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:05:04] Speaker C: Yeah. Made a huge difference.
[00:05:06] Speaker B: I think that would be a great activity to set up your older one with even just like an audiobook. Obviously, you can just use an audiobook app or.
[00:05:14] Speaker C: Right.
Come a long way since those days.
[00:05:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:17] Speaker C: But same. Same situation. It really helps.
[00:05:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:21] Speaker B: Yeah. And then it sort of. But yeah, I think separating them is a great idea.
And like you said, the family meeting and also, you know, talking about what. What are the things that we want to do at the end of the night, but also, like, what are the steps. Right. That we need to do before we get to the books.
[00:05:37] Speaker A: Right.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: And getting them to tell you. I have to brush my teeth. I have to put on my pajamas and writing those down.
Um, sometimes I would give each kid their own list.
And then, you know, you don't necessarily want to put them in competition against each other, like we talked about in the last episode, but you could say, like, you know, let's see how fast you can both get this list done. And when you both have all of your check marks, then we can, you know, read the special story. Or if one of you doesn't have all your check marks, you know, you can either. You can also employ the older one to help with the younger one.
I think that's another strategy here is like, also really leaning into talking to the older one about being a role model in that moment.
I found that my kids, when I bring that up to them, they do respond when I say, do you notice that Patrick's watching you? He's doing what you're doing. And I really need you to be a good role model for me tonight. And I need you to, you know, show him how you brush your teeth and how, you know, sometimes that can be helpful. Not always, but sometimes. Yeah. And I think in general, like, if they're. I think when they're teaming up against you, sometimes I find just, like, leaning into the silliness a little bit and let's all do a little silly dance together, just having.
Having it be a little playful just for a minute can sometimes reset that behavior. That sort of pattern of them being silly and crazy, and you're the one that's like, come on, come on, come on, come on.
[00:07:08] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to mix it up a little bit? Yeah. I think all of us have been in the situation where we feel completely overwhelmed. Yeah. And what I learned the hard way is you fake it until you make it, you know, and that you. What you want to do is project resolve. You want to project that you are the mom or the dad in charge. You're going to be kind and you're going to be thoughtful, but you're. You're not going to be thinking, oh, my God, Yeah, let's see. How can I deal with this? This, you know, overwhelming, even though it may be your kids are watching you.
[00:07:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:46] Speaker C: And if you're projecting that feeling of overwhelmness or I'm just going to give in and give you anything you want because I don't know what to do with you.
You know, kids really know that. And it's a very sad message that they get, because the message is, I can't be bothered, you guys. You know, I just can't be bothered. It's too much. The Opposite when you set limits is that I can be bothered. Nothing is more important than you and more important than you learning how to listen to your mom or dad. And that is the priority. So you're.
You may be feeling overwhelmed inside, but you're trying to project calmness and firmness.
[00:08:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yeah. And I think, you know, that's. That's a really interesting kind of connection there because I think the moment our children sense that we are feeling overpowered by them or over completely overwhelmed by them, then they're going to. They're going to run with that.
[00:08:46] Speaker C: And it's scary for them if you do it for no other reason. It's very securitizing for children to know that there's an adult who's in charge and that they can't tip the balance. Kindness with kindness and love and thoughtfulness, but with firmness. Because of the securitizing aspect for the child, it's. They do not want to be in charge, even though they act like they.
[00:09:12] Speaker B: They act like.
[00:09:12] Speaker C: There's many books that have been written about this.
[00:09:14] Speaker B: Yeah. That.
[00:09:15] Speaker C: It's pretty scary when kids don't have a kind and firm adult in their life.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: So maybe if you could just like, model some of, like, the tone for us. Like if I was a child and saying, let's run away.
[00:09:29] Speaker C: Well, I find sitting down immediately is good. For some reason, when kids are sitting, they don't get that they can run necessarily. So I would say, oh, we need to sit down right here. It could be in the kitchen, could be in the bathroom, could be in the wherever. Oh, we have a problem. What's the name of this problem? And I put it on them. And usually kids will say, oh, I'm running away, or I'm being too silly. And then instead of me solving, I say, so what should happen?
And they'll say, oh, I guess I should brush my teeth. Honest, this has happened. This is a true story. I can't guarantee it every time, but they're absolutely true stories. And then you say, okay, and then you believe that that child is going to follow through, but you're right next to them. You don't walk away and go do the dishes. You're right there believing them, giving them that support. And it's amazing. You don't. They're taking care of the problem and not you. They're using their brain.
They need to use their language that they need more than you do.
[00:10:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:26] Speaker C: And you are projecting calmness but firmness.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that. Just like having them sit down. What's the name of the.
[00:10:35] Speaker C: And if the child then jumped up and ran away, I would bring the child back and say, oh, you're not ready. I can see you're not ready. So you're gonna have to sit next to me or be next to me. It's not a timeout. It's a time in. You will have to be with me until you can listen to me and until you're ready. Yeah. And most kids look at you like, you know, at least when I was at, at school, they would look at me like, yeah, right. Like you're really gonna follow through. Adults are stupid. They never follow through with a look of disgust. And when they saw, oh my God, she really means this.
[00:11:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:08] Speaker C: Pretty soon they would say, I'm ready. And that's all. I didn't need to moralize or lecture or finish or, you know, shake my finger out. I say, okay. But then I was right there to make sure that they were. And sometimes it took three or four times. Right. But usually it was pretty quick where they'd say, oh, man. Okay, I'm ready. You're. You're not, you're not going to give in. Yeah.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: This is no fun anymore.
[00:11:30] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: Yeah. So I think.
[00:11:32] Speaker C: But you're doing it without any of the negativity. You're not yelling, you're not threatening.
[00:11:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:38] Speaker C: You're not punishing, which.
[00:11:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:40] Speaker C: I'm not a believer in.
[00:11:41] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:41] Speaker B: I mean, it's just making it clear, waiting for them to be ready.
[00:11:46] Speaker A: And I think there's so.
[00:11:47] Speaker B: There's something so powerful in that because it doesn't also give your power away to. If you don't, if you do this, then you can't have dessert tomorrow. Or.
[00:11:56] Speaker C: Right, Right. Yeah. Try to get away from the consequence because it's a never ending spiral. And pretty soon one day your will look you in the eye and say, so what?
[00:12:05] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:12:05] Speaker C: Do it.
[00:12:06] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:06] Speaker C: And then you've really lost.
[00:12:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:08] Speaker C: Everything. Yeah, absolutely. That's something you do not ever want to hear your child say. And they will say it. I remember my father told me that a little girl, his child said to him, what do you give me for brushing my teeth? Oh. And I thought, oh my. We have a lot of work to do here.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: Totally.
Totally.
Okay, great. So just to summarize the strategies there, I think we. Because we came up with a few different ones. I, I think one is. You could actually just separate their bedtimes. Have one child be reading or listening to audiobooks in the other room while you're just focused on one child, another strategy that we talked about was sitting them down before bedtime and going over the plan and talking to them about, like, what. What are the fun things that we can do?
[00:12:56] Speaker C: And write it out.
Definitely do writing.
[00:12:59] Speaker B: Yes. Writing out what needs to get done and then what is. What's going to happen when everything's done? We get to read three books, we get to do our songs.
And then the other strategy, to put.
[00:13:12] Speaker C: It on the child to say, we have a problem here. Have them name the problem. They not going to run away. They're going to be right next to you. If they run away, you bring them back.
[00:13:20] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:13:20] Speaker C: Gently but firmly. Oh, you're not ready to listen. Wait till you're ready.
[00:13:25] Speaker B: Yes, yes.
[00:13:26] Speaker A: Great. And then.
[00:13:27] Speaker B: And then the last one that you can throw in there sometimes is even just to say, oh, you know what it looks like? It looks like you boys need a body break. Let's do, you know, let's do ten jumping jacks together. Let's do a silly dance. Just kind of noticing their energy is, you know, what we would say in the yellow?
[00:13:44] Speaker A: Right.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: It's in the silly zone and kind of giving them a little bit of an outlet, a little bit of weight, and then. But then you're still in. In control. You're still in the driver's seat because you're like, oh, you need a body break. You need a silly dance. Let's do a silly dance. But you're leading the silly dance.
[00:14:01] Speaker A: Right.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: You're not like, I think as a parent was writing in. The problem is the children are leading the silly dance in different directions.
[00:14:08] Speaker A: Right.
[00:14:09] Speaker C: And overwhelming the parent.
[00:14:10] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:11] Speaker B: So. Yeah. But keeping that resolve and, you know, like you said, faking it till you make it so that we can really say to the child, I can handle this. Right, Right. Right.
Okay, great. Let's move on to our second question, which is the younger sibling weaponizes being the youngest. She screams getting away with things. And I'm often at a loss of how to discipline her.
[00:14:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:39] Speaker B: Weaponizing being the youngest. Like, I think the youngest child knows that you maybe have a little less patience, a little less bandwidth with them.
[00:14:49] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, right. That can help us.
[00:14:52] Speaker B: I know for me, I definitely saw this when. With my third child in particular, when, you know, the older oldest was already in elementary school and we had to be to school at a certain time or he had a performance we had to be at, and we're running out the door and Patrick sees a lollipop, you know, that was left out on the counter from Somebody's birthday party. Like, never in my life would I have ever given Joey a lollipop on the way to school ever. Right. I would have. I would have been late, like, the whole thing, you know, because he was in preschool. But, you know, I think when you have that younger child and you. You have some. So much more going on, it can be easy to be like, okay, here's a lollipop. We have to get out the door. I don't have time to set this boundary with you.
[00:15:34] Speaker C: That's right.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: That's right. So I think pretty soon they learn that, and they learn that you may be less likely to follow through with them and less likely to hold that line.
[00:15:45] Speaker C: Yeah. Each time you cave, and we all have done that, you are then creating the next situation to be even more difficult, that you want to deal with as much as you can in small, little bites, small, little situations. So that you're not building. You're not training your child to use everything as a reason to have a meltdown. And that is really hard work. And the only way I can say that help.
Help me. Is to anticipate it, prepare for it. Oh, there it is again.
And try not to give in at that moment.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: Mm.
[00:16:23] Speaker C: We've all been there. We all have given in with the lollipop. But knowing when we do that, that we probably are creating a bigger problem down the road.
[00:16:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:32] Speaker C: So as much as you can. You know, I love giving the wish and fantasy. Oh, Patrick, you love the. I wish I could give this to you now. I can't. What flavor would you.
[00:16:42] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:16:43] Speaker C: Like, if. And you're not diverting.
You're really involved. You're going straight to the core of the matter. You tell me your favorite flavor of lollipop, and then you have a discussion about that maybe. And it's.
[00:16:55] Speaker B: How many lollipops would you have if you could have 100 lollipops? If you could have.
[00:17:00] Speaker C: You know, which is different than diverting and saying, oh, look, look, look, honey, there's a bird outside the window. You know that that has nothing to do with the lollipop issue.
So to try that when you can.
[00:17:11] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think the child has to be, like, three probably to do the. Fulfill the wish and fantasy. But I think if they're younger, it is also just knowing that the tantrum will end. And even if they're, you know, kicking and screaming, like, it's gonna be. It's gonna be okay. It's probably better, even though that feels so hard in that moment, because it Feels easier to just be like, okay, here's a lollipop, let's get out the door. Even if I had picked him up, you know, kicking and screaming, he was 2, I still could have gotten him in the car. Like we could, you know, so it's like reminding yourself that even though this feels easier, I'm setting myself up, like you said, for a much harder road. Right. And I did, you know, I mean, I did. I remember when he was two and a half, I, I looked at Justin and I said, we've created a bit of a monster here because we just haven't parented him in the same way. And so we did, like, you know, and I recommend this, like give yourself two weeks of almost like a, a limit setting boot camp where I was like for two weeks, Justin, no matter what, we're not going to change our minds. Like if we've set a limit, we're just gonna go with it if I have to miss the performance and only you go if we have to, you know, whatever it is.
But I think I did realize that with that youngest child, sometimes it is harder to parent them in the way that you want to.
So. Yeah, so kind of doing like a re. A reboot. And I do find that after two weeks of that consistency, we have kind of reset things. So it is possible to kind of reset.
[00:18:44] Speaker C: Right. I had a mother run up to me on the many years ago saying, tuna fish sandwiches, tuna fish sandwiches. And I said, hello, what are you talking about? And she said, you told me to just serve sandwiches for dinner, to cut back on making dinner, cut back on my housework, cut back on, you know, laundry. And in the same vein that Rebecca's saying, for two weeks, just really concentrate on becoming more effective.
[00:19:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:13] Speaker C: And she said it changed. My child was completely out of control and it was an older kid and they were, you know, edging toward adolescence. And she said it absolutely made all the difference.
[00:19:26] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:19:26] Speaker C: So it's a good, good reminder that, that this has to be our number one job for a while. But you want to re. Establish that respect and know that in doing that you're building your child's self esteem. Because what you're really saying to the child is, I care about you.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:43] Speaker C: I care about you more than anything else, more than dinner, more than dishes.
And I'm going to help you to be a boy who cares about himself and who really listens to his parents. And this is how you build self esteem. What you're really saying to the child is you're capable, you're able. I believe in you. You can do this.
You're worth my time.
The opposite of that is don't. I can't be bothered. And that's a really, really painful and clear message that kids get a lot.
[00:20:18] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think it is, like, it's unintentional on the part of the parent. They're feeling overwhelmed. They're like, I need to get dinner made. I need to, you know, get this. You know, your lunch made for tomorrow. I need to do this, I need to do that.
And it's so tempting to feel. And. And I mean, if I'm honest, I think sometimes those things are easier.
Oh, yeah, right. Like, it's actually easier to make dinner than it is to sit with a child who's throwing a tantrum and just hold the line and be consistent. So it is actually, as a parent saying to ourselves, like you said, nothing is more important.
[00:20:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:20:56] Speaker B: And even if this takes a couple weeks to restart set.
I mean, and if you have a youngest child that's kind of in that pattern of, like, I think the parents said, weaponizing being the youngest. I mean, she literally is learning that if she throws a tantrum, she knows that mom or dad or whoever isn't able to handle that.
[00:21:21] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:21:21] Speaker A: Right.
[00:21:21] Speaker C: And it's a scary. I. In, in my family, my mother was extremely loving, but when she set a limit, she followed through my dad. We all. We learned that if we only acted obnoxious enough, he would give in because he really didn't want to be bothered. And it was a really bad feeling because we really knew what he was saying was, I can't be bothered by you. I don't have the time. I don't have the interest.
Just, you know, get out of my hair.
And that is a message that you do not want your child to have.
Yeah.
[00:21:53] Speaker B: I mean, that is. It is really interesting how that becomes internalized for the child as, I'm not worth your time. But I think. Yeah. If you. If you're noticing that, like, thank you for writing in, because I think that is a pattern that you. You want to try to nib right in the mud. Like, this isn't. It is something that your child is picking up on, that you have less patience, you have less energy, you have less time for them.
[00:22:21] Speaker C: Right.
[00:22:21] Speaker B: As the youngest child.
[00:22:23] Speaker C: Oh, yeah.
[00:22:24] Speaker B: Okay. So our sibling question is classic. You never get Rosie in trouble. She's your favorite. If I did that, I would have been in so much trouble. Why doesn't she have a consequence? If my boys are listening to this podcast. They will definitely be identifying with that question.
[00:22:44] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:44] Speaker B: I think it is hard. Right. Sometimes when. Well, I think there's two questions here. One is the no matter what, no matter, like, how fair you think you're being. And again, we talked about in the last episode of why trying to be fair never works. But I think, you know, children wanting the other sibling to get in trouble, that comes up sometimes. And I think for me, it's hard because, I mean, I try not to just have my strategy be punishment, consequences.
[00:23:16] Speaker C: Right.
[00:23:17] Speaker B: But sometimes the siblings see, you know, certain behaviors and they're like, why aren't they getting in trouble? Why aren't they getting a consequence? Why aren't they getting. I don't know if it's stuff they learned from school, more like where they're expecting that kind of.
So I kind of have to explain again to them that, you know, there are definitely consequences for behaviors, but it's also, you know, talk to them. I'm going to let them know that wasn't.
[00:23:44] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:23:44] Speaker B: We're going to come up with a different plan. But I don't know if you ever had that where it's like they want. They want the other sibling to get in trouble. Right.
[00:23:53] Speaker C: Justice.
[00:23:54] Speaker B: Justice.
[00:23:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:55] Speaker C: Yeah. That's. That is a very tricky one. And I think that, you know, it's a good reminder that the kids are always watching us.
[00:24:05] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:24:05] Speaker C: Watching what we're doing.
[00:24:06] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:24:07] Speaker C: And some children have more invested in that where they feel that things aren't fair and that. And some kids don't.
So it's really also maybe a temperament that.
[00:24:20] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:24:22] Speaker C: That they have. And. And it's. I think it's very tricky. I think just talking about it.
Oh, sounds like you're feeling. This is unfair. Tell me a little bit more about it if you can, or if you don't have the time. You can just say, you know, I'm doing the best I can here.
[00:24:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:40] Speaker C: And I. I'm hear what you're saying, and I'll remember that. But for right now, this is what I'm doing. And, you know, I'm the mom.
[00:24:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:24:49] Speaker B: I mean, I like that because I think it sort of gets.
Moves you away from this, trying to convince them. Yeah.
[00:24:58] Speaker C: No, no, no, no. Yeah. You don't want to get into a big debate about it. You want to acknowledge what they're hearing, what they're saying. You want to acknowledge what they're saying. You want to let them know that you're going to think about it. And. But for right now, this is what. What's happening.
[00:25:14] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that.
[00:25:17] Speaker C: And then. And then, you know, you'll evaluate. Maybe it's true.
[00:25:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:21] Speaker C: Could be true.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: And I think we're only human. We're only human. Yeah. And I think I. I like how you, you know, said it's a good reminder that children are always watching, because I do find that it is important, you know, when, you know, maybe you're not being firm enough with a particular child, and it might be because they're a little easier going, or it might be that that particular child has really big reactions to every limit you set, and so you've learned to, you know, maybe dance around a little bit. And I think the. The other children are watching that.
[00:25:59] Speaker A: Right.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: And it is a good reminder, you know, to say, maybe I do need to step up my game a little bit with this particular child. Or maybe I do need to be aware that, you know, I'm a little bit lighter on this child.
[00:26:13] Speaker A: So, I mean.
[00:26:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's a valid point. Yeah.
[00:26:16] Speaker C: I think you have to look at your place in the family that you grew up in, what your birth order was, you know, how you were treated. Because some of this comes up. And if you were youngest, you might have more empathy for a youngest child or vice versa. If you're the oldest, you may not even get the youngest issues to know that. But I also, like, when possible, having the child set the consequence instead of you. I don't think you need to have a consequence.
I don't to. To change behavior. I don't think you need to punish to change behavior. But you might say, hey, what should happen here? You know, see if they can come. I was shocked at the things that my kids could come up with. And then it's not about me. It's about what they.
[00:26:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:59] Speaker C: Think should happen.
[00:27:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:01] Speaker C: So you could try that and. And see if it works in your family.
[00:27:05] Speaker B: Yeah. And also if they've done something to the other child, sometimes I will say it's something that I learned from you a long time ago, which is.
Okay, that was hurtful. I need you to now do something helpful. And then I'll say, you know, Patrick, what would be helpful for Joey to do to you? And so that, you know, a slightly different question, but, like, I think that's a great way to sort of rebuild a connection that's been lost instead of saying, oh, you know, you hit your brother. Okay. Now you've, you know, lost screen time or something. It's actually making it more connected.
[00:27:41] Speaker C: Absolutely.
[00:27:42] Speaker B: Reconnecting that relationship and saying, okay, you did something hurtful. What can you do to be helpful to Patrick? And then Patrick might say, you know, anything from, you know, can. You're going to do my chore for me too. Will you play this game that I always want you to play with me, but you'll never will. So that's like a way to rebuild.
[00:28:00] Speaker C: Yeah, that's nice.
[00:28:02] Speaker B: But. But I also wanted to touch it on this other part of the question, which is when your children are saying, she's your favorite or he's your favorite. You know, I think again, looking at, you know, sometimes you. There are different personalities. Right. And they may be picking up on the fact that one child is getting in trouble less or that they're getting in trouble more than the other child.
And so if you, if you see that happening, I think it's really important to, to just notice that pattern and make sure that you're building up that child that may have a trickier time.
[00:28:38] Speaker A: Right.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: That may need more correction, that may need more redirection, but they're noticing that. They're noticing that they're getting in trouble more. They're being called out. They might be being yelled at more.
[00:28:50] Speaker A: So.
[00:28:51] Speaker B: Really? And yeah, if you have any ideas too, on, like, how do you. What specific things would you do to build up that child that maybe is getting in trouble more?
[00:29:00] Speaker C: Yeah. Oh, I think addressing it. I'm just saying in your mind, you feel like you're getting in trouble more. Tell me about that. Yeah, I think getting them to talk a little bit about it and being more aware.
[00:29:12] Speaker B: Yeah. Instead of just dismissing and say, that's not true.
[00:29:15] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:29:16] Speaker B: You know, you don't get it. You know, you don't get in trouble.
[00:29:19] Speaker C: More, you know, because it's, it's. It may be true, like you said. Yeah, it can be very true.
[00:29:25] Speaker B: Yeah. And.
[00:29:26] Speaker C: And I think the more you can get them to, to, to talk about it is. It is helpful.
[00:29:32] Speaker B: Yeah. And also, like making, I think, little note to self in that moment too, to say, you know, I really need to maybe give some more positive feedback.
[00:29:40] Speaker C: I was just going to say the same thing. Yeah.
[00:29:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:42] Speaker C: Be sure you're. You're looking for ways that you can give a child positive feedback. And I understand that sometimes that is really hard.
[00:29:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:53] Speaker C: With. It's like, oh, I like the way you're breathing. Yeah, I didn't say that. But in my mind I'm like, that's the only thing I can think of that I like.
But yeah, to, to make sure that you're giving that child the full attention without overdoing it. You know, the idea of catching them when they're being good. A lot of kids, when they're doing things well, get no attention.
[00:30:16] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:30:17] Speaker C: And it's like, well, I want attention, so I guess I'll act out. Yep. So, yeah.
[00:30:22] Speaker B: Yeah. And so I think, you know, really trying to focus, then if your child is bringing that up, trying to focus on some of the positives that. That, you know, maybe more tricky child, they still have all these positives. I actually remember trying to shift this a little bit with Joey and just trying to really build up and emphasize, like, what it was that I loved about him and actually telling him, like, these things, you know, when they get to a certain age, I think really being more specific because the whole, you know, and they talk about this in the siblings without rivalry. Our response, sometimes you love her more. No, I love you both the same. Of course, I love you all the same. But what's actually so much more satisfying to a child is to say, you know, I. You know what? I love you because you can make me laugh. And I love watching you, you know, read and telling me about the books that you're reading or I love watching, you know, being very specific. Yeah.
[00:31:20] Speaker C: Very powerful. Think if an adult did that for you, how wonderful that would be.
[00:31:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:26] Speaker C: And for kids, it's essential.
[00:31:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:29] Speaker B: So. So really trying to focus on those positives, I think can help just rebalance if a child is feeling that and spending more time with the more tricky child, too. Because I, I think that can also happen where you can get in a pat.
You know, one child is just easier to spend time with, easier to hang out with. And so really trying to look at that and being very intentional as parents to say, how can I spend time one on one time with a child that may be going through a trickier stage or maybe pressing more buttons right now, every time I just put time in and spend, you know, one on one time or special time, it, like, it reshifts that.
[00:32:12] Speaker C: Absolutely. That's a good point.
[00:32:14] Speaker B: Dynamic in the family. But, yeah, I think ultimately, like kids, they are watching everything like you said.
[00:32:20] Speaker C: Yes, they are.
[00:32:21] Speaker B: They're picking up on it. They're noticing it. And if you're, you know, if you do have one child who's just a little trickier than the other, I think they need. They need a lot of affirmation.
And.
And once they have that, I saw, like, the sibling rivalry go down, like, once I was sure just That's a, that's really true.
[00:32:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:32:45] Speaker B: Okay. So those are some, some tips there and we hope you've enjoyed, I think this wraps up for now, our sibling series. Here we have the the Introducing the sibling for those of you that are just starting out and then we have these two episodes and we also have our second time moms group. So if you are just having a sibling for the first time, definitely check out our groups in the city and we have some online classes available as well for the sibling relationships, the further series. So definitely check out all of those resources and we will be back to answer more of your parenting questions very soon.
[00:33:25] Speaker C: Thank you.
[00:33:28] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens where your personal parenting journey matters and your questions are always welcome.
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