Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens. I'm your host, Rebecca Walsh, director of Early Childhood Matters in San Francisco, and I'm joined by my longtime mentor and co host, Belan Gioretto.
Together, we're here to answer your parenting questions from the early years through adolescence. As seasoned and humble parents and early childhood educators, we bring over 50 years of combined experience in teaching, directing, and coaching parents.
We started this podcast to help you raise resilient, confident kids and teens and to give you practical tools that can increase your confidence, effectiveness, and your joy in parenting.
This is real Talk where we share multiple strategies because every child is unique, and we always explore what to try when just nothing else seems to be working.
So let's get real and let's get to it.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: All right, welcome back, everybody. We are so excited to be here with you today and talking about one of our favorite topics. Yes, fostering independence in children. So we're going to go ahead and jump right in with our questions of the day.
Our questions come from a group of moms who have children ranging from about 18 months to. To about 5 years old, and our questions are, how do we get our kids to play more independently at home?
How do we scaffold so they can play independently and not bother us while we cook dinner?
And how do we create a calm household pre and post dinner? So I think we're going to focus on those first two questions, probably primarily for today.
I just want to start by just saying that, you know, the framing of the how do we.
How do we get them to play independently and not bother us while we cook dinner? It's such an important framework because Belen and I have raised. I have kids between us, right? Not quite. I haven't quite raised them yet. There were still. They're still a work in progress.
[00:02:12] Speaker C: And there's still a work in progress.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: Yes.
But the reality is, is that it's, you know, we just want to continue to be really real on this podcast and know that parenting is really, really hard. Like, incredibly hard. Way harder than we ever thought it would be. So we get it.
[00:02:31] Speaker C: Absolutely.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: The whole.
We're just trying to get one thing done, and why can't you play by yourselves just for five minutes, like it's very real and we totally get it. So we're going to. We're going to go ahead and jump in. I think the first thing we want to talk about was just the why, Right? Like, because we could jump in and start giving strategies right away. But I think what we Want to help parents understand is why is this important?
[00:02:57] Speaker C: That's the motivation for them to see this as a vital skill. That starts now with your children, even, even toddlers in small increments, to be able to develop that imagination, that curiosity, and that ability to entertain themselves. It's a lifelong gift.
[00:03:17] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. And it's not just about us being able to have time to get something done. Right. It's about what are we doing? How are we setting up our children so that they have an inner world.
[00:03:30] Speaker C: Absolutely. And that they are not. That they increase their independence, which is our number one goal in raising kids, is to raise independent children that can do adults that can really find their way without feeling lost. And it starts at this age of parents really believing that this is of value. So it's not just so that you can get your dinner cooked. It has far reaching ramifications that, again, are lifetime gifts.
[00:03:56] Speaker B: Yeah. And we were talking too like that this is a transition point. Right. Because in the beginning you were talking about how you have to rewrite your job description.
[00:04:06] Speaker C: Right. So in the beginning, you know, when you have a baby, an infant, your job is to provide everything 24 hours a day. And it's very hard for. For parents as their children get older to know when to rewrite their job description and how to foster independence when they're used to doing everything and it's satisfying doing, you know, when babies are small, feeding them and taking care of them and being in control of everything.
[00:04:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:31] Speaker C: This is a belief in your child that they can find things to do on their own. And many parents don't believe it. And that's. So that part of it is changing your mindset, one, seeing it as very valuable, essential, and that your child can do this and that it will change your life for the better and for your child, most importantly.
[00:04:54] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think that it's interesting, you know, bringing up that change in job description, because I think for me, going into parenting with, you know, the degrees in child development and all this experience, and of course, being incredibly humble as soon as my child turned into a toddler. But I do remember this moment in time when Joey was 18 months. And in my mind, from a developmental perspective, I knew now he wasn't in this trust versus mistrust stage, that he was in this autonomy versus shame stage. And so I knew that my role had to change in. In fostering his development. Right. Like my role wasn't just to be there for every need that he had, which is really what your role is in those first 18 months.
[00:05:36] Speaker C: Absolutely. And it's very hard to, to sort of downshift and, and have a different way. Because it's so satisfying.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. Like you said. And you have that control and it's also. You don't have to think so much about it. Right. Like when they're hungry, you feed them. When they're, when they' sad, you pick them up when they're, you know, and they're tired, you know, but then, you know, having, you know. But when we think about it with this idea of, of independent play, like, I knew at 18 months that now my job wasn't just to meet every need that he had, that my job was actually to help him to become more independent and to foster and that that was his devel, not my job. That was his developmental task.
[00:06:10] Speaker C: Right, but your job, your role in it is key, right?
[00:06:16] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:06:16] Speaker C: To believe that it's important to believe that he could do it, to see the far reaching ramifications of that makes a huge difference when you believe in what you're doing.
[00:06:26] Speaker B: And so tell us about it then at 18 months. And of course, you can start this earlier. I'm not saying that it's only at 18 months do you want to start. Of course babies can have autonomous play. And to be honest, I was much better at that with my second child out of necessity. But you remember when I used to bring Maggie, the teacher training, back to school and I would just leave her under a tree while we were all sitting there, like doing some brainstorming, whatever. And I remember that you can't. It's not to say you can't start this earlier and you should, and I probably could have started it earlier, but if you're like me, where you have your first child and you've done nothing but be by their side and have enjoyed that in a lot of ways, how do you make that transition as well? So I remember knowing that this was his job. It was so important, so vital for him to develop. Because I as a teacher, you know, see these kids that don't have that skill and are constantly looking for either adult interaction or they're constantly looking for that attention, adult approval, approval, and they don't have that skill. I knew it was important. So what I did at 18 months, I was like, okay, gotta shift this. And so I would do the floor time, which we're gonna talk about.
[00:07:38] Speaker C: Essential.
[00:07:39] Speaker B: Essential part of this, right?
[00:07:40] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:07:41] Speaker B: So I would do the floor time first and we would do 10 minutes of floor time. And then I would say, okay, now Mommy's going to go and cook and Joey's going to play. And I'll never forget. I mean, the first two weeks I would say that, right? But he would be right there by my.
By my side, and I would just say back to him and he, you know, and he would say, mama. And he'd pick up a toy and he'd look at it and, you know, it was very tempting. And I would just say. And I could have invited him into the cooking because that's, you know, that's another skill and that's another tool you can use in different circumstances. But I really wanted to develop this skill. And so I didn't even invite him into the cooking. I just said, mama's cooking and Joey's playing.
Mama's cooking and Joey's playing. And I remember saying it over and over. And, you know, you get to that place as a parent where you're like, okay, I read about this, or I, you know, this is supposed to work.
[00:08:33] Speaker C: It's not working.
[00:08:34] Speaker B: You know, it's not working.
But.
But I think I just knew how important it was. So I just kept at it and I just said, mama's cooking, Joey's playing, Mama. And I would walk him back and he would come back. And so after two weeks, he stopped coming in.
[00:08:48] Speaker C: That's great.
[00:08:49] Speaker B: He just got it, you know, so there is.
[00:08:51] Speaker C: It's a weaning. You know, it's like weaning. Any of the weaning that, that we do with children, that is essential. Can you imagine if we didn't wean.
[00:08:59] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a great point.
[00:09:02] Speaker C: And so the weaning is so important. But where I think what I'm impressed with the story, a lot of parents get stuck and I want my child to be happy. And so whatever it takes to, to make them happy. And we miss the fact that it's during those little, little struggles, those little frustrations where they develop, develop that inner strength, that ability to solve their problems, to, in this case, entertain themselves. Really essential life skills that start at this very young age.
[00:09:30] Speaker B: Yeah. And you're right that we have to balance that, that sort of innate desire that we have to, to make our child happy. Right. Like, we don't want them, you know, you have this. You don't want them to struggle. You don't want them to be sad. You don't want them to say, mommy, come play with me. You know, and you're not. But, but what I think what you're, you're saying that's so powerful too, is that they have to develop those skills. Imagine if they never learned to soothe themselves outside of the breast. Right. Like imagine a five year old that was.
[00:09:59] Speaker C: I, I have had parents who have spent much longer at this because they didn't know that that was part of their job. And the guilt was just so devastating to them that they would do anything for their kids to be happy. And I love this quote from Dr. Jonas Salk. You know, parents, great is not to their child's happiness but to their well being. And that's got to be your mantra.
[00:10:22] Speaker B: That's awesome. I love that quote.
[00:10:24] Speaker C: Yeah, we'll put it, we'll put it up.
[00:10:28] Speaker B: But can we talk about the guilt a little bit more? Because I do think that the guilt is what gets in the way so much.
[00:10:35] Speaker C: And again, it triggers back to this idea that, that the child should always be happy. That parents are very worried that their child isn't happy and miss the point. Which is again, developing emotional resilience. Number one is terms of success in life. And I mean that in all possible ways is emotional resilience. Being able to handle frustration, solving problems. It's huge. And it starts at this age. And so any way that parents can see this as valuable helps reduce the guilt. So I'm not being mean, I'm being caring.
Yeah, go ahead.
[00:11:11] Speaker B: Well, no. And I'm not being selfish.
[00:11:12] Speaker C: Right.
[00:11:13] Speaker B: To or it's not like I should hire somebody else so that they can always be entertained while I do dinner or something. Even if you had all the resources and all the time in the world, it wouldn't be what was best for your child.
[00:11:26] Speaker C: That's right. That's right.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: And knowing that it's not coming out of a deficit that it's actually coming out of. Like you said, not making them happy but making their well being.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:11:36] Speaker B: And their well being is that they, they develop these skills.
[00:11:39] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:39] Speaker B: But I will say the guilt, the guilt is real. And even though this was something that I think I was very committed to as a parent and there were other things and we'll get to them on other shows, I'm sure that were harder for me to follow commitments that I, you know, thought I would.
[00:11:55] Speaker C: But what I loved about your story is it's the repetition. You didn't think you would do that in one day.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:00] Speaker C: You prepared yourself so that you'd have the patience to really go through. And that's how kids learn to talk. Let's learn how they learn how they walk. Great point. Is repetition. Great point.
[00:12:10] Speaker B: They're not going to learn how to talk or walk. No, it's not like one day. Which is why. And by the way, we'll do an episode later on Potty Train. But why? I don't like the three day potty training method. Oh, no, because developmentally we don't learn anything in three days.
[00:12:24] Speaker C: So you went into that knowing that it was going to take some time, which then reduced your guilt, I think.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Yeah.
[00:12:31] Speaker C: But it allowed you to continue. You didn't give up.
[00:12:34] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:12:34] Speaker C: And that's what parents do is they tried for a couple of days. Oh, this isn't working. And they don't know. They forget about repetition.
[00:12:41] Speaker B: Yeah, I do. I try to remind parents of that all the time in my work workshops that when you try, when you learn a new strategy and you try it the first time and it doesn't work, don't give up. It's. It's about keeping on in the face of failure. That being said, one of the things that we're doing that's unique, I think on this podcast, which I'm really excited about, which was actually your idea and was like to talk about. So at the end of the show, we're going to save time to talk about what happens when these things don't work because as you said, they, you know, that's often what you don't, you don't hear. You hear all the strategies about what to do, but then what happens when you do those things and your child throws a book at your head. Right.
So we're going to talk about, about that as well. But I just wanted to say one more thing about guilt before we jump into some more of the strategies around fostering this skill. And one more thing about guilt is that it's the word. I remember you saying this, by the way, and I've said this before on other shows and I'll say it again. Almost all of my parenting mantras have come from Belan and so, so much of like who as a parent and as a parent educator, I owe to.
[00:13:45] Speaker C: To Bella and I had many mentors myself.
[00:13:49] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a, it's a wonderful and you know, journey to, to pass on. But the thing is, is I remember you saying that in the beginning that guilt is the guilt of. I'm bored. How triggering that word is for parents.
[00:14:02] Speaker C: I think it's the number one word that parents will come to me just panicked about. And it's interesting. Like, what is that about? I think it's the guilt. Yeah, that's, that's, that's tied to that, and parents just feel like that's their job, and we're going to help you to see that. There's that in, in contrast with that, what you're teaching your child will be a phenomenal lifelong gift.
[00:14:29] Speaker B: Yeah. And I mean, and even for me, even though I knew, and obviously even knew from the very beginning with my first child that I, I wanted this skill, now my youngest is nine, and it's still triggering for me if he says, I'm bored. And in the age of social media as well, I think one of the other things that's triggering about that word is that when you hear your child say I'm bored, you immediately go to, oh, my gosh, am I doing enough? Are you in enough activities?
[00:14:55] Speaker C: That's the guilt.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: The guilt, right. Like, I saw that, that mom on social media that just like decorated cookies with her kids. Like, am I doing enough? Am I doing enough?
[00:15:02] Speaker C: Like, am I a good mom? Am I a good dad? Am I doing. Yeah. And it's the guilt.
[00:15:07] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's what keeps us from, from actually doing what we know is best for our children. And, and even though my mantras were always like, if my children were bored, I would say, well, that's great, because that's when the creativity happens. Boredom is the mother of all invention, would say all these things. But deep inside, if they caught me at the wrong moment or maybe at a time when I was feeling a little insecure for whatever reason, that word would trigger me. And so you have to. To again come back to this understanding. You're developing an inner world for your child. You're developing the skills to handle frustration, to handle a little bit of anxiety, and, and to develop the wonderful, wonderful notion that I can entertain myself.
[00:15:52] Speaker C: And the essential skill of emotional resilience. It's the most important job that we have is teaching kids that connect it.
[00:16:02] Speaker B: Like, for parents that are like, what. But how does emotional resilience exactly connect to independent play?
[00:16:07] Speaker C: Well, there you have a child who is going off, you know, who's comfortable and. And not only comfortable, enjoys that process.
That. That is underlying their ability to be independent, which is essential. Right. And underlying their ability to solve problems if they get frustrated with the toy or with problems, and they're going to solve it. So it's. It's kind of baked in. But I want to tell you, I've had kids where I've said to them, so tell me, what does the word board mean?
They have no idea. Yeah, I'll say, does that mean you want to. You want a Sandwich. Yes.
But they've learned to say the word because they get such a big reaction. And when I learned that, I thought, oh man, that's true.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:16:51] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: And even just like reflecting that back, what does board mean?
[00:16:54] Speaker C: Yeah, you know.
[00:16:55] Speaker B: Yeah, that's really interesting.
Okay, so I know one thing that we wanted to talk about as far as like a practical strategy for encouraging autonomy is really, and you may or may not want to hear this as parents, but one of the things that's really essential is having some time every day where you're doing some one on one floor time.
And I will say that Belan introduced me to the concept of floor time. It was originally created by Stanley Greenspan, but I was introduced to it by you and have been teaching it to parents ever since, which I was just doing the math, I guess was for 14 years ago when I started Early Childhood Matters and started teaching this concept. And it's been in every workshop, I.
[00:17:39] Speaker C: Hope you know that as it was in mine too.
[00:17:42] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:17:43] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. It makes a huge difference.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: It's so essential, I mean, not only for increasing autonomy and independent play, but also for reducing challenging behaviors. But anyway, so it's definitely one of the number one things that parents have thanked me for over the years. I've had people stop me in the streets and say, oh my gosh, are you Rebecca Walsh? I took your class 10 years ago and you changed my life. I also, funnily enough, it is the one thing that my older sister who if those of you that are listening have an older sister and you know, they don't necessarily to take advice from their younger siblings. But I actually did a workshop when she was running a treatment program for women and children and I did a workshop for, for those women and I talked about the essential power and the brain developing power of floor time.
And so she was in the workshop and about three weeks later, my own older sister called me in tears and she said I could share this on the show. She called me in tears and she said, Becky, which is what she calls me. Nobody else does, by the way.
She says, I started that with my son and it's changed everything. And for your older sister to say that to you, okay, so that's enough about why it's important. Let's get into it in the shortest way possible.
[00:18:56] Speaker C: How would you describe basically I, I, I like the idea of when you're re enter and so you're coming from work or school or whatever and you carve out that time where you're not looking at your phone, on your computer, thinking about what you're going to make for dinner or making dinner. You're sitting down on the floor with your child and you're following their lead. You're not teaching them the ABCs or, you know, giving them an example of how a steam engine works, but you're really just following their lead.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: You're not doing some craft project that you saw on Instagram.
[00:19:32] Speaker C: That's right. Right. You're 100% there for the child. And do you know how rare this is? I. There's some statistics out there about how much undivided time kids get, really a day. And it's. It's shocking.
[00:19:45] Speaker B: It's really shocking.
[00:19:48] Speaker C: Even now, I feel like now it's probably less. Yes. Yeah. Even before it's shocking, it's like seven minutes or something.
And now it's probably even less. And so this is a time for your child to know that you are there for them completely. And what we. What in working with children and families with this, what we saw is then kids were able to go on then on their own. Then, you know, the mom or dad would say, okay, it's been 10 minutes now I have to go, you know, make dinner. No more tantrums. The child was able to accept that, felt that they had their needs met. I often say to parents, think if your partner gave you 10 interrupted minutes a day, that would be incredible. And again, you're not teaching manners. You know, it's really being fully present. And that's a rare thing that, that adults, but especially children need and. And don't get.
[00:20:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:41] Speaker C: So it's a beautiful thing.
[00:20:43] Speaker B: One of the things that. That I like to do or when I did floor time when my kids were little, it does evolve as I get older, but it's so important still for me to try to connect with each child and it evolves a little bit. But the number one thing I did was to swipe down and press the little airplane mode button, and I would press that airplane mode. Now you have to also press the do not disturb, because you'll still get things if you don't do that. So I would press those two buttons and then I would set a timer for 10 minutes. And that's how I would do my floor time. Some of the most vivid memories I have of raising my children come from our floor time together.
[00:21:20] Speaker C: Wow. Wow, that's beautiful.
[00:21:22] Speaker B: I still, I could tell you exactly what, you know, with Joey, it was. We would do this town, the city, you know, we had city blocks and we Would the cars would go to these different areas of the town. They would get a flat tire and then, then we'd have to go to the doctor and then the ambulance would come and all these different things. But we would do that for only 10 minutes. But every day. And with each child I can tell you exactly what their floor time was around. And Maggie was horses in school and Patrick was, you know, these little diggers that he had that he was.
[00:21:49] Speaker C: And you did this as a group.
[00:21:51] Speaker B: Or did you do it in one on one?
[00:21:52] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:21:53] Speaker B: Always one on one.
[00:21:54] Speaker C: Because most, most parents will do it if they have more than one child as a group. That's.
[00:21:58] Speaker B: You can, I mean, Greenspan says technically you can't if you're gonna follow all the rules. But I know that it can be tricky logistically to figure out the one on one. Although what I did was sort of stagger it. So I would either do, depending on the day, I would say like, okay, Monday would be for, for Joey Tuesday. And they would know, they would come to like believe that they were gonna, you know, and if I had time, I would do them both and just like trade. But I'll never forget I had a.
And this dad and the two dads in the family and one dad would come and relieve the nanny after work and they had twins.
And he learned this from me when the twins were 18 months. Well, he came back and when to take the three year old class later. And he said that every day he comes home from work, he takes one twin into the back room and plays with them for 10 minutes and the other twin waits patiently and they switch. And he'd been doing it since they were 18 months.
[00:22:54] Speaker C: That's incredible. And so why does this work with helping kids to be more independent? Because they've been filled, they've got, they have their need filled.
And there's not a scarcity feeling as you walk in. Especially any transition is difficult for kids. So that's another reason why I like this. But it, it absolutely goes hand in hand with this goal.
[00:23:15] Speaker B: Yes. And, and I did find that that was a great way to do that first and then encourage autonomy. And the other reason I think that floor time really helps to build independent play skills is because when you're doing floor time in the way of, like you said, following their lead, you're not teaching. You know, I like to think of it as like, you're the supporting actor in floor time and your child is the main actor.
[00:23:36] Speaker C: That's nice.
[00:23:37] Speaker B: So you're sort of watching with really young Children, I always recommend just imitate and mimic. So literally, if they pick up two blocks and put them, you know, do this, you pick up two blocks and do that too. That shows them that their in the lead.
[00:23:51] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:51] Speaker B: And that their ideas matter. I mean there's so much. We could do a whole episode on floor time. But let's.
[00:23:56] Speaker C: And we should.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: Yes. And, and just for now, remember it's following their lead. You're the supporting actor. And, and what that does is it, I think it leads to more independent play. Because then if you're over there and you're, you're saying, oh, let's make a tower. Yes, let's make this, you know, well, what happens when you leave? Yeah, well, who's gonna give me all the ideas? Right. And how am I gonna make this tower? So if you're really following the child's lead during that floor time, then it does build their confidence in being able to interact with those toys and being able to, you know, navigate their, their little, their world.
[00:24:32] Speaker C: Right.
[00:24:33] Speaker B: Because you're not throwing all these ideas and having them follow you.
Right.
So.
[00:24:39] Speaker C: And I think the more you over function for anybody, but we're talking about children you're inviting under functioning. So the more that you're doing for your child, the more you're sending a message to your child. You don't have to do very much or you have to do very little. So that's a good reminder. Works incredibly well with adults as well.
[00:24:59] Speaker B: So true. So true.
[00:25:01] Speaker C: I have many stories that I can share on that topic.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: Okay, we'll have to do another comic on that. That's a great, that's a great way to frame it. And I think it really connects to this idea of building independent play and why it's so important. Absolutely.
Okay, so I think before we finish this, this session, we have to talk about like what happens when it doesn't work.
[00:25:25] Speaker C: Yeah. So many of the great books that are out there often will give you great advice, but when I'm reading them, I always said, well, what if it doesn't work? And that's what I love to talk to parents about so that they're prepared that maybe things will not be perfect. Especially as we talked about, especially the first time.
[00:25:42] Speaker B: So I had, for the first two weeks even I used to like to give myself that two week window of training.
[00:25:49] Speaker C: I had a parent who was actually a psychologist and she felt that she had to give her child 100% all the time. And I said, do you ever read oh no, he won't let Me. And I said, well, here's. Here's a little homework for you. I want you to go home, and I want you to just start with five minutes. And I want you to be able to tell your child, I love to read. This is really important to me. I'm going to read for five minutes. Here's some books for you if you want to read. But I'm going to be reading, and when I read, I have to have, you know, quiet and focus. And she's like, oh, he can never do that. And I said, well, you've never asked him to do that. You've never had that expectation, but it's time. And how old was a child?
He was like, maybe three. And sure enough, after some practice, the child looked forward to it, respected the mom's face. And again, the mom was modeling. This is how I take care of myself, which is always important for parents to show and what they love.
[00:26:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:45] Speaker C: And.
But with another child, the mother might have done all that, and the child might have thrown a book at her. And so what do you do at that point? You don't give up. Right. You calmly but firmly stop the throwing and say, this is not okay. I'm still going to read. And you may not throw books. And your job now is to read like I'm reading. Or you can play. If you have toys on the floor, you can play. So expect it.
Don't give up. Which is what a lot of parents do. Keep going calmly but firmly and believe.
It's the inner belief. You must have that resolve in you to believe that this will happen and your child will be able to smell that, they'll be able to feel that.
And very different than when you're sitting there going, this doesn't work. What a stupid idea. Somebody gave me the message internally. You're not saying it is. This is going to work. I'm going to keep working on this.
[00:27:39] Speaker B: Yeah. And it may not work perfectly. Right.
[00:27:42] Speaker C: And you might have to give time, but it's the, the. The belief that it's important.
[00:27:47] Speaker B: And can I also just say, I love this example that you gave her. The homework of reading a book versus your homework is to do the dishes while your child plays. I mean, that's such an important thing. Right. To. To talk about.
[00:27:59] Speaker C: You have to see that. That parents take care of themselves and that they have values.
[00:28:04] Speaker B: Yeah. And that they have their own interests. Right. And their own hobbies or their own, you know, and, and, yeah, I mean, I love that. And that could be maybe an even double learning. There for the child versus if you're. If you are not to say that sometimes you do need to cook dinner or, you know, do the household stuff while they play independently. And that's great. But gosh, are we also just reading a book? Reading the newspaper. Right.
[00:28:29] Speaker C: Whatever it is, whatever. I mean, you have five different kids.
[00:28:31] Speaker B: But not on your phone. Would that be.
[00:28:33] Speaker C: That's a whole new world. Yeah. Not on your phone.
[00:28:35] Speaker B: Because that would be different. Right. If you were on your phone.
[00:28:38] Speaker C: Absolutely.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: Reading.
[00:28:39] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:40] Speaker B: I mean, people read the newspaper on. Yes, they do.
[00:28:43] Speaker C: They do. And the reason I think is important because I personally, it's my value. I highly value books. I don't want to see them disappear. And kids are so used to seeing their parents on a phone and not getting any attention that I think it would trigger other reactions. Reactions to that. Yeah, but.
[00:29:02] Speaker B: Yeah, but I love this idea of starting with something like that, like actually reading an actual book, which I think all of us as parents would just love to have like even five minutes where we're just reading a book.
[00:29:12] Speaker C: Or a parent who likes to run and the child doesn't want her to go. So it's a mother, you know, doesn't want to stay with the dad, wants the mom to stay. And some will give up in. No, I love running. I have to run. It'll be fine. And off and again, five different kids, five different temperaments. You're going to get five different reactions to this. You know your child best. Be prepared for it. But don't give up.
[00:29:35] Speaker B: But don't give up. Okay? So let's just do a little bit of a role play because I think that would be really powerful for parents.
So here, I'll grab you a book.
[00:29:46] Speaker C: Here.
[00:29:48] Speaker B: Okay?
So Mama, Mama, play with me.
[00:29:55] Speaker C: Okay, Rebecca, it's reading time. I'm going to read this. Read. And your books, your books are down here. I'm not going to play with you now. I'm going to do something I love and that's reading. And you can read your book down there and just going to be for five minutes. But I'm going to be very involved in my book and I'm not. I'm not going to be doing anything but reading.
[00:30:17] Speaker B: I don't want to.
I don't like that. Mama, play with me. Mama, look. Mama, look. Mama, Mama, look.
[00:30:23] Speaker C: Oh, I think you forgot, Rebecca. But I told you I'm going to.
I know that's hard for you.
I love to read. It's hard, Rebecca, but you'll get used to me reading. And you Will enjoy reading. And now I'm going to go back to, I see you're unhappy, but this is so important to mama.
And the name of this book that I'm reading is called the Great Gatsby. And I'm going to read it, and you're welcome to pick up your book as well. And then I'm going to not say another word. And that's a success.
[00:30:56] Speaker B: I would say, yeah, it could have gone worse.
[00:30:58] Speaker C: Yeah, it could have gotten much worse.
But, you know, again, staying the course, not overreacting, not saying, oh, my God, why don't you give me a minute to myself? You know, not degrading the kid or be rating, berating the child, but just calmly but firmly keeping, you know, going. You're stopping the hitting. There's no hitting, there's no throwing.
And then you're more than child.
[00:31:24] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:31:25] Speaker C: Time is coming.
Remember what week when mommy's going to be reading and it's your reading time too. Or, you know, well, and then.
[00:31:31] Speaker B: And even writing that down for them. Right? Like writing down a little schedule for them.
[00:31:36] Speaker C: Writing is great. The more you can write with the child and have them see visually what you're expecting. So maybe it's like they're not reading it. It's not about reading.
It's about anticipation.
[00:31:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:47] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:31:47] Speaker B: And maybe there's a little schedule that says mommy and Rebecca time. And it says, mommy reads Rebecca reads Rebecca.
[00:31:54] Speaker C: You know, you know your child best. You're gonna. You're gonna fine tune this. Expect it, be prepared for it. But don't give up.
[00:32:02] Speaker B: But don't give up.
[00:32:03] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:03] Speaker B: And I guess just one. One more question would be, how much do you go into sort of the child's feelings in that moment?
[00:32:10] Speaker C: Not much. Because what we found, which was shocking is kids, because they're smart, learned that to manipulate the feeling. So the parents going to read, but the child starts having upset and the mother very kindly, oh, you're so upset.
[00:32:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:26] Speaker C: And then she's not reading.
[00:32:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:29] Speaker C: Child's like, wow, this feeling thing is great. I'm getting all this attention.
[00:32:33] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:32:33] Speaker C: So you don't want to overdo that. Obviously, getting in touch with feelings is very important, but there's an appropriate time and not. And kids have learned to really manipulate that. So, yeah, you know, you could say it once and then that's it.
You're upset.
[00:32:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:48] Speaker C: You'll figure this out. Something like that.
[00:32:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And just kind of going back to.
[00:32:52] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
Okay. So that's a scenario. Please put in the comments. Other scenarios when you try this out.
[00:33:00] Speaker C: Of things that didn't work.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: And we will do some follow up Q and A after this show so let us know your success stories.
Great. Well thank you. This was so fun. That was very fun and we're so excited to to do some more shows. So the other thing that you can do is write in some questions. Just like today's questions. You can write in your own questions and Belen and I will be answering them on the show and giving you the what happens when it doesn't work?
[00:33:26] Speaker C: Yes, as very humble parent educators, absolutely.
[00:33:32] Speaker D: Thank you so much for listening to Parenting Matters. Real talk from toddlers to teens where your personal parenting journey matters and your questions are always welcome. If you enjoyed today's episode, we'd love it. If you'd like, subscribe, leave a rating or review and share the podcast with a friend. It really helps others find us and supports the work we are doing to support parents near and far.
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Until then, take care and remember your parenting matters. And in case no one has told you lately, you are a wonderful parent and you're doing a wonderful job.
I can tell because you're listening to this podcast.
